Found floating in cyberspace and submitted by Deborah Nicholson
illustration by Matthew Chartier
- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
- Job interfering with your drinking.
- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
- Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
- The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
- Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
- 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case… coincidence? I think not!
- Two hands and just one mouth… now THAT’S a drinking problem!
- You can focus better with one eye closed.
- The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
- You fall off the floor.
- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
- Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
- Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
- At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
- You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. Hmmm.
- The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…
- Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.
- Roseanne looks good.
- Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
- That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
- Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past.
- The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.
- You wake up screaming “TORO TORO TORO!” in the middle of the night.