Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
with Phil Caracas, Murielle Varhelyi, Maria Moulto
Directed by Lee Demarbre
Written by Ian Driscoll
(MVD)
by Scott Hefflon
Jesus Christ knows kung fu! And battles vampires. Many of them lesbians, which is why they can walk around in daylight. Or something. Jesus also rides a Honda scooter, cut his hair, trimmed his beard to sideburns, pierced his ears, and got some hip threads.
In Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, there are brief (and painful) musical numbers, bad sound syncing (but anyone who’s watched kung fu movies is used to that), but when atheists come streaming out of a jeep like clowns from a VW Bug and Jesus beats all their asses to bad techno, it’s all good. The movie’s set in Canada, you really expect it to make much sense? Jesus is joined by a sex-hungry Mary in a shiny red jumpsuit, but she gets bitten, Jesus gets his butt stomped, and he’s cleaned up by a cross-dresser. Jesus mopes a bit over lunch, but gets advise from a bowl of ice cream with cherries. Jesus must seek out an ally in El Santos, a Mexican wrestler, cuz, logically, who else could stand beside Jesus in a fight against lesbian vampires? And where better to stage a battle than at a hipster bar, Jesus “slaying ’em” after a killer drum solo? He breathes the effects of lunch’s extra garlic sauce on one lost soul, blesses a beer and spits into the faces of others, uses pool cues, a plunger, and a crutch as the need arises, and El Santos uses toothpicks and darts as stakes thru the hearts of his attackers.
(PO Box 280 Oaks, PA 19456)