The Cretins
Got Caught Cheating On The SAT’s (Melted)
An interview with Metal Murf, The Kraut, and A.J.
by Mark Phinney
As soon as I hit the Rat, the Buds are already piling up in the middle of the table – a sure sign that The Cretins have taken over. You may have heard the name around town, playing with bad-asses like the Royal Crowns, or with national punk acts like The Queers. Whatever the case may be, these idiots of punk are on the fast track to white noise/white trash glory.
You’ve got a 7″ out on Melted and a CD EP on the way. Are you also going to tour?
Murf: Yeah, the seven inch has “Got Caught Cheating On The SAT’s” and “Groovy.” The CD is coming, but NO tour yet.
Kraut: We need a van.
Murf: We do have some shows coming up, though,September 25 at T.T.s,with the Crowns…
Really? What is that all about?
Murf: I don’t know, some benefit shit.
I heard Mark Phinney was running that, he’s a cool shit.
Kraut: I heard he’s a fuckin’ wanker.
I’m writing your biography tomorrow – give me a title.
Murf: The Life and Times of Pick Slides and Harmonic Screams…
I got my hands on a European import of you guys covering a Journey song. Will this be available in the states?
Kraut: Yeah, it’s called “Too Much Beer.” There was a riot with the kids when it was released, and then Steve Perry kicked my ass. But we made up, them being such a big influence on us and shit.
Where are the other boys tonight?
Kraut: Fucking each other.
I heard about the Cretins porn flick that was only released in Amsterdam, any info on that?
Kraut: Well, Murf is Irish, I’m German, you figure it out. You know the scenario – the lonely housewife comes into an office to have her taxes done, puts her legs up, no panties, “Why ma’am, I can help you out with those. Let me get a closer look.”
After a short stint of the band interviewing each other, a lot more beers,and some ’80s conversation, we got down to the real deal… I think…
Murf, weren’t on the road with The Queers for a while?
Murf: Yeah, it was quite a learning experience. I owe Joe a lot. He taught me a lot out there, and he still helps us to this day. We had a show in New York and he lent us The Queers van to get to the show.
How was it playing with the Royal Crowns?
Murf: Playing with the Crowns was great. They’re great guys, and I love playing with a great band with a good attitude. We’d love to play with The M Mr.T Experience and we always love playing with the Queers. We’ve played with them a couple of times, and I’m sure there are more to come.
You guys have played some happening clubs outside Boston.
Murf: My favorite show of all time was at the Continental in NYC. There were only about a hundred people there, but it was the balls. I’ve only played Coney Island with the Queers. Ralph’s is a cool joint, but we’re not singers – we like to move around and spit a lot. I think we would like to make the Rat our home, though. We like the all-age gigs, seeing the kids hangin’ out… it’s all punk. We’ve played with some great bands, a lot of Lookout! bands like Hi Fives, and the GoToHells on Stiff Pole – great guys, great band, and Edo, you’re the man.
How are some early influences?
Kraut: Well, the first punk band I really got into was Social Distortion. I still love ’em, Mike Ness is the man.
Murf: I like the Ramones, but they’re not an influence on me as much as they are on punk rock in general. For me, well, obviously the Queers, a thrill to play with them, my earliest influences, after Glenn Campbell, were KISS, the Police, and ’80s new wave. All we are, really, is new wave shit with mega-distortion. We always pull a cool ’80s cover out our asses. We’ve hit the Vapors, Rick Springfield, and of course “Summer of ’69.” I don’t like the new album, but I love Bryan Adams.
A.J.: Music with a lot of energy – really fast stuff, The Clash, Tre Cool, the GoToHells, those kinds of guys.
So after the EP, a full-length?
Kraut: We will most likely wait, and let the EP get out there. We have some great distribution through Melted right now. Malibu Lou is the man, he helps us all the way. We’ve got Caroline, and Surefire, so stickin’ with Melted is the plan.
Murf: Just a little note here: Not only is “Detroit Rock City” on the jukebox, but there’s a Taco Bell commercial on the tube as well. Life couldn’t get better unless we were listening to KISS, eating Taco Bell, and getting laid.
Kraut: Fuck, yeah.
(Murf’s Taco Bell Menu:
2 Chicken Burritos (no lettuce)
1 Three Cheese
Small Mountain Dew
2 Soft Tacos (no Lettuce)
Kraut: When we were on tour with the GotoHells, it was ketchup packets, Spaghetti-Os in the can, and sleepin’ in the van.
Yeah, but that’s punk.
Kraut: Yeah, it’s all punk.
