Mediacrity!

by William Ham

Note: After a unanimous vote last month, Congress has elected to cut off all of Mediacrity!’s federal funding and most of its hot water. As a result, we have been forced to sell the space usually reserved for this column for advertising dollars. The more cynical among you may be under the impression that this constitutes some kind of “sell out,” but we hasten to assure you that this will not adversely affect you, or indeed, any member of your extremely lucrative and disposable-income-earning 16-to-35-year-old demographic. That being said, bear with us for a few moments, and we’ll be back to that really “crazy” and “hep” writing that you young folk “dig” so much in a “flash,” “man.”

(Scene: A small basement apartment, around which sit three parched-looking, flannel-clad teenagers.)

First Teen: Wow, man, all that moshing we did at the rock ‘n’ roll concert’s really made me thirsty.

Second Teen: Yeah, I’ve got a thirst the size of the Space Needle!

Third Teen: But what’s gonna “slack” it? All those other colas suck! (A flash of smoke and inexpensive guitar riff, and three cans of cola appear in the teens’ hands, to their mild amazement.)

First Teen: Wow! SUB-POP!® The alterna-cola! Let’s try it! (They drink.)

Second Teen: Man! This is cool! Bold, revolutionary, but somehow, familiar!

Third Teen: It’s got that pop fizz I love…

First Teen: …and a distinct metallic aftertaste!

Second Teen: This stuff makes me wanna sit around, smoke too many cigarettes, and make fun of old sitcoms!

Third Teen: And I bet it’ll go perfectly with Ramen noodles and smack!

First Teen: Hey, let’s go get something pierced!

Others: Yeah!!

Announcer: So, if you’re able to motivate yourself, pick up on the Generation X-cellent taste of SUB-POP!®

All Three Teens: It’s grungilicious!

(Fade out.)