Mediacrity!
by William Ham
A Funny Thing Happened to Me on the Way to Cancellation: Okay, stay calm. Don’t panic. The word has come down from the powers that be in charge of the four networks and the two broken-sausage-presses-with-transmitters that call themselves networks: There are no more stand-up comedians left to give to sitcoms to. Now that CBS has given an 18-show commitment to infamous “snuff comic” Shecky “the Machete of Mirth” Starkweather for a mid-season replacement series to be called Make Room For Daddy or He’ll Suck Your Brains Out With A Silly Straw (the press release praises Shecky’s ability to adapt his lethal, messy brand of comedy to a half-hour format), the Chortle Caverns and Yuk Yuk Huts across the country are finally bereft of raw material for heart-warmingly dysfunctional wastes of the public airwaves. The corridors of television power are filled with the shrieks of the evolutionarily-impaired program planners as they pull their remaining hairs from their concave heads, seeking new inspirations and new Friends ripoffs. (“I got it! Six crazy post-collegiate slackers and their weekly misadventures in a Turkish prison! We’ll call it Mid-Twenties Express!”) Looking for answers, chuckles? Why not raid that bloody abattoir of talent that is the informercial scene? Here’s my pitch: Susan Powter is Mom. That pumped-up guy with the ponytail and the hyper-thyroid problem is Dad. The kids, well, who really cares as long as they can make wisecracks involving the words “prostate” and “foreskin” in cute little voices? They get together, run around the tract-house-looking set and yell and pose at each other for 23 minutes without commercials. That dork with the sweaters that even Bill Cosby wouldn’t wear can be the nutty neighbor who comes in and effusively praises their simplest household appliances (“What’s that? A blender? That’s amazing!”). The plots and situations are irrelevant as long as you pay the audience enough to cheer every fifteen seconds and there’s a hug at the end. What do you think? Great, huh? Well, screw you people. I’m only trying to help. All that matters is that I got this in by deadline. Now go away.
