A Few of My Favorite Things – Ten Things That Really Bug Me – Column

A Few of My Favorite Things

Ten Things That Really Bug Me

by J. Lianna Ness

1. 45 rpm records that have to be played at 33 1/3 (especially when there is nothing on the label or sleeve to indicate otherwise).

2. Music retail outlets that advertise themselves with the word “Records” in their title, but don’t actually carry vinyl.

3. Those colorful “little girl” barrettes (you know, the ones intended for like, 8-year olds) that older twenty-something women wear. Trendy and stupid-looking!

4. Thermal fax paper machines. Technology gave us plain paper fax machines ages ago, yet here at the Lollipop office, we’re stuck with the archaic kind. I want to throw it out the window, but Scott won’t let me.

5. Actor Andrew McCarthy. How does he get parts when his expression never changes? His eyes always seem to be popping out of his head, making it look as if he will spontaneously combust at any moment.

6. People who climb up the steps on moving escalators. It kind of defeats the whole purpose. I guess they’re in a hurry.

7. The plastic shrink wrap on new CDs and cassette tapes. That shit is sealed tighter than Bruce Dickinson’s spandex!

8. Removing staples. Unless you actually own a stapler remover, they’re difficult to dislodge without getting bloody. There should be a law against mailing packages that are stapled shut. Use tape, creep!

9. Those little postage-paid subscription cards that constantly fall out of magazines when you pick them up. Next time this happens to you, save them. Write sarcastic messages on them and drop them into the nearest mailbox. It costs the publications money for those. Maybe they’ll get a clue when they start getting some back that say things like “Have a nice day!” or “Hi! How are you? I’m fine! Thanks for asking!” or “If one more goddamn card falls out of this magazine, I’m going to come and exterminate each and every one of you on the staff!”

10. People in the “10 Items Or Less” line at the supermarket who have more than ten items. These people should go back to school and learn how to count to ten. The next time some sly hag tries to pay for even 11 items at the express register, I’m going to hit her over the head with something large and heavy from the produce department, like, say, a watermelon.