A Few of My Favorite Things

Top Ten Ways a Band Can Piss Off a Music Reviewer

by Elissa Dennis

10. Save the best song on your disc for a super-secret hidden track that nobody will ever find (because it doesn’t really exist). Basically an excuse for when all your recorded stuff sucks.

9. Do everything in your power to not only suck live, but also be as unattractive as possible so the reviewer can’t even say “but at least they looked good.”

8. Try to almost thoroughly suck, but have one small redeeming quality that makes a reviewer feel bad if she totally trashes your band beyond recognition. This one only works if the reviewer has a conscience (therefore chances for success are slim).

7. Ask the reviewer out on a date, then blow her off. This is especially effective if done more than once. But after three times, beware, because reviewers usually have friends named Guido who would be more than glad to break your arm (both arms if you’re a drummer).

6. Say you will put the reviewer on the guest list, but then at the last minute take her off. It is a well-known fact that reviewers don’t like spending money because nobody ever pays them.

5. Spend at least two-thirds of the set bitching about the monitors, replacing broken strings or tuning, rather than actually playing instruments and giving the reviewer something to review.

4. On the other hand, stubbornly refusing to retune even when a tone-deaf moron could tell it is necessary, is also a good way to piss a reviewer off.

3. Or you could do something basic, like never learn to play your instruments, sing, write songs, etc.

2. Actively encourage a mosh pit when you are a Top 40 pop band because “it looks cool on MTV.”

1. Number one is classified information (I want to tell you because then I would get the pleasure of killing you), but I will say that it was actually done to me once, and the guilty party is still anxiously awaiting my revenge. And he knows who he is. And his band will soon hate him for being so foolish.