Videosyncrasy
by Matthew Sullivan
illustration by Mediocre Concepts Unlimited
Here’s the pitch… Best Buddies – the gay sitcom. Ellen was just the beginning…
I know why The Birdcage sings… The equation is simple: swishiness equals hilarity! Your more in-the-know sitcoms know this, that’s why token gay characters always get the scene-stealing lines. But since we’re the network that’s “cutting-edge” (at least in a Gillette Sensor sort of way), we’d rather not have token gay characters when we can hop the turnstile and have a token gay cast! (Don’t worry, there’ll be no discrimination that can’t be solved in 22 minutes, and there certainly won’t be any kissing.) Here is the zany ensemble of Best Buddies, the first gay sitcom.
The Characters
Meet Rob (an artist) and Dave (an ad exec), our main characters. They’re two blandly handsome, stylishly-dressed white guys who put the “mate” into “roommates.” They’re an “Odd Couple” who are really a couple! They’re like Kate and Allie, Joey and Chandler… except they’re not covert, they’re overt! They’re not latent, but blatant! Sure, they get in bickering fights, but they always end with an “Aww!”-enducing hug!
Meet Rob’s Dad, who’s trying to understand what went wrong:
Son, when you were little I told you to look both ways, not go both ways!” Dad’s cute ignorance of the Gay Way makes for many funny yet poignant lessons from Rob such as this one:
“No, Dad, homosexuals don’t turn heterosexuals into homosexuals. You’re confusing us with vampires!”
Meet neighbor Louie, the homophobe with a heart of gold who slowly gets enlightened along the way. Witness his metamorphosis: PILOT: “It’s an exit not an entrance, ya know?” Episode 8:”I don’t know, maybe if I was in prison it would be different.” SWEEPS WEEK: It will be revealed that Louie has a stack of muscle and fitness magazines between his mattress and boxspring. “I look at them for inspiration before I work out! Honest!”
Meet Flamingo, the open flame of the crew! Best played by a Black or Latino, he supplies the finger-snapping, “Go, diva!” punchlines.
“Child, I was never in the closet! I wore my gayness home from the store, tags and all!”
Flamingo’s ragingly gay presence adds a homo twist to those “Bud Light commercial does Tarantino” pop-culture discussions that sitcoms do so well. Check out this riff on the all-time classic topic “Which Cartoon Character Would You Do?”
Hetero Guy #1: Jessica Rabbit, dude. She’s hot.
Hetero Guy #2: No way, man, Jasmine from “Aladdin.”
Hetero Guy #3: What about Jem? You know she’d be truly outrageous.
Flamingo: I’ve always been partial to the Candle in “Beauty and the Beast” myself!
Meet Craig, who’s in the closet. Craig’s reluctance to admit his orientation lends itself to all sorts of wacky situations, as well as some Freudian slip-ups like this beaut:
CRAIG (Bragging of alleged heterosexual intercourse): “I hadn’t done it for a while, but I caught on really fast. It was just like riding a bisexual!”
Craig’s closeted ways obviously put tension between him and Flamingo, who routinely scolds him for his hypocritical double-life.
“Honey, if you don’t come out soon, you’re gonna be a SKELETON IN THE CLOSET!”
Bonus: If this pitch doesn’t make it past the network honchos, we can always make the main characters “lipstick lesbians” to bring in the Howard Stern crowd!
