Rock Stars Do The Dumbest Things
by Margaret Moser & Bill Crawford
(Renaissance Books)
by Ryk McIntyre
This tome rests humbly in the realm of Good Bathroom Books, and that’s a compliment, since that is a real, if uncelebrated, need. (I mean, it’s the second-most important paper in the bathroom…). It’s got quick chapters, sectional writing, iddy tidbits of rumor, innuendo, trash, even stuff that really did happen. Even its AC/DC-to-ZZ Top alpha-fucking-betical format lends itself to anything from a quick one-handed read, to longer (if, say, you lack ample fiber in your diet) perusing sessions. Easily self-referential (see the helpful introduction) it runs everybody through the mill with varying degrees of lasciviousness and/or accuracy, but at least they were completists enough to include non-mainstreamers like G.G. Allin, Wayne/Jayne County, and the Butthole Surfers.
Sure, it’s trashy, insinuative, and bitchy, but that was clearly printed on the ticket that bought a turn on this ride. The problem is that so much of the “it” falls into the following categories: the innocuous (“Maurice Gibb of the BeeGees, was short!!”, “Bob Geldof was critical of Pink Floyd lyrics!!”, “The Rolling Stones did lots and lots and LOTS of drugs!!!!!!!”); the misinterpreted/misunderstood/it-was-a-joke,-stupid (pretty much anything about Wendy O. Williams, Madonna, k.d. lang, Frank Zappa, et al), and the obvious (Axl Rose is an asshole, Depeche Mode was pretty much just silly, the Rolling Stones kept doing drugs). The true failing of this book (to spend time actually looking for one…) is that some things are incompletely researched and/or just plain wrong. For instance, in the section on the Grateful Dead, the “Selected Hits (and Misses)” entry omits “Shakedown Street,” practically the only Dead tune to crack the top ten. Moreso, they miss a great opportunity for ridicule in the report of Jerry Garcia’s 1983 drug bust. Sure, they mention it, but they missed the platinum quote “Wow. I guess the ’60s really are over!” Folks, all the local papers carried that one. Worse than that, they perpetuate the out-of-context quote attributed to John (“We’re bigger than God”) Lennon, the one quote ChriSStian Nation Oberfüherers and Right-Wing Attack Squad-Leaders keep right at hand. What Johnny said was that he didn’t understand the Legion of Beatle-Maniacs who would treat them AS IF they were bigger. Sorry. Had to get that one out..
Still, there’s enough juicy bits to make this a tasty treat for even the most guilty junk-junkie. My personal favorite is when, in 1988, The Eagles actually tried to sue The National Foundation to Protect America’s Eagles, for copyright infringement and “unauthorized use of likeness.” It’s like “Yeah, they’re a bunch of eagles, but we’re The Eagles!” (File it under “flush!”)
