Stabbed In Back

A Portrait of Noise (Basement)
by Ewan Wadharmi

To the legal department, Basement Records:

Dear sirs,
Your promotional materials for A Portrait of Noise clearly instructs, and I quote, “PLAY AT MAX VOLUME.” Having recently come under the scrutiny of my wife for failing to follow directions, I obeyed your directive implicitly. Since the first disc in the cartridge was Cowboy Junkies, I could barely hear any noise coming out, even at full volume. So as I was reaching for my McDonald’s coffee, the most brutal, head-rattling hardcore thrash erupted from the speakers, causing me to scald my lap and my wife’s face, which was in the vicinity. This, combined with the bombastic guitar assault, forced her jaw to clench, effectively dismembering me. Instinctively, I jerked the wheel in a schoolward direction, careening into a pyramid of cheerleaders. This SNFU resulted in Grievious Bodily Harm to my wife, the JV squad, and eventually, a nasty case of Gang Green for me. However, the sub-machine-gun drumming dropped a wanted pedophile who had Exploited some of the young girls. I received a handsome reward, and with my re-attachment surgery, a sizable upgrade. I’m sure happy I got Stabbed In Back. Thanks, Basement!

P.S.: When I got home and read the laughable coffee-house lyrics, that same beverage spewed out of my nose, cauterizing my sinuses. Bastards.
(www.basementrecords.net)