Goldfinger

(Mojo)
by Austin Nash

Monk ran home with his new punk rock disc. He was excited and chose to rip the cellophane off with his teeth. He threw it in and immediately began jumping around the room like a fool. Halfway through the disk he threw open his window and hollered: “ALL KNOBS TO THE RIGHT! ALL FADERS TO THE NORTH! THIS NEW DISC BY GOLDFINGER IS PUNK ROCK!! IT IS RIDDLED WITH SPEEDY FIZZING GUITARS, STRONG MELODIC HOOKS, AND A DECENT ATTEMPT AT SUBJECT MATTER (MEANING ITS NOT COMPLETELY ABOUT GIRLS). THESE GUYS YELL THE WORD ‘FUCK’ QUITE OFTEN. AND DON’T LET ME FORGET THE NON-INTRUSIVE SKA TIDBITS WHICH ADD FLAVORFUL DYNAMICS AND HELP GIVE IT A MORE LASTING QUALITY.”

Monk ignored the requests from his neighbors and passers by to put a latch on it, and showed his bare ass out the window. He was feeling kinda punk. An old shoe slapped him on the butt.

The zookeeper in Monk’s brain helps him out:
Besides the ska tune “Answers,” which sucks, Monk neglected to mention (because he is so fucking stupid), that this new release from Goldfinger boasts a strong full production sound, and the band is as tight as they come. Since he was merely halfway through the disc at this point, he had not heard the well-placed punk monologues on stinky breath between friends and the actual qualification of usage of the word “fuck” in punk rock. There is also a hilarious phone conversation between two Seattle scene dolts that would leave him pissing his shorts.

The truth is that I am not even going to bother listing off the titles of the songs that are good, as 13 out of the 14 are excellent. Had this disc not been given to us, and had we known what we were missing, we would have picked it up anyway. If you’re a Bad Religion, Pennywise or Green Day fan, you’ll love this new self titled release from Goldfinger. Two horns up, dude.