Coroner’s Corner
by John Bikowski
illustration by Joe Neidbala
Hey there. Remember that poor schmuck Marty Ratzen from the Slaughter High review last issue? Well, apparently he decided to take the Cobain no-pain way out of life. He played such a great loser in the film I should have known he wasn’t acting.
By no means do I mean to get educational or anything, but I feel it’s time to inform the uninformed about laser discs. Essentially, laser discs do for films what compact discs do for music. The picture and sound can be had for the price of a measly VCR ($250-$400) while top of the line could run into the thousands. Important: Any laser disc player kicks ass!
As for the discs themselves, the price can range from $15 up to $100 (with an average of $34.95). However, the versions of films that are released on laser are always the uncut, special editions (if they exist). For example, I have a special edition of Terminator 2 (which I got free from Columbia House) that has several scenes cut from the theater and video release. Among others, these extended scenes include Sarah Connor getting pounded by orderlies, a Michael Biehn omenesque ghost appearance, some tasty brain surgery on Arnold, and a great scene where the T-1000 starts morphing out of control.
There are two different types of laser discs. A CLV (constant linear velocity) disc fits up to an hour of material per side and does not offer any special effects.
However, a CAV (constant angular velocity) disc runs 1/2 hour and offers various effects such as variable speed play (forwards and backwards). Since the picture is always crystal clear, you can have lots of fun repeating segments and switching speeds. For instance, I found that the famous scene in The Exorcist where Linda Blair vomits a stinky stream of pea soup into the priest’s face, I now can watch her puke it up, suck it back in, puke it up, suck it back in, and so forth. Of course, while this is happening, I am taping the fiasco with my VCR which will later be used to dub in a bit of disco music to enhance the twisted proceedings. Aaahh… a little “Night Fever” from the Bee Gees perhaps?
Another bonus is the ability to freeze frame at any time with a CAV disc. You can then move forward or backward frame by frame, enabling you to see how various special effects are orchestrated, how stunt doubles are inserted, how wonderful some people can look while slowly getting naked, etc. Remember the Roger Rabbit scandal with nude insertions of Jessica Rabbit that were too quick for the human eye on video? Well, on CAV discs, you can see it all. They only drawback to CAVs are that they are more expensive or sometimes not available at all.
More good news is that discs are now being rented at most video stores (and for the same price as videocassettes). Also, more and more shops are beginning to sell discs. For instance, on Newbury Street in Boston within one block, we have Tower Records and Laser Craze each offering hundreds of eye-popping, jaw-dropping delights.
I cannot decide whether it’s a drawback or if it makes everything more exciting, but laser discs are creating a serious collector’s market. You don’t have time to screw around. Many discs come out and are soon discontinued and may never be printed in that version again. If this happens, be prepared to pay dearly if you can ever find the disc you are searching for. Especially rare and costly are discs imported from Japan. For example, I am a big fan of Italian Director Dario Argento’s films. I thought, “Hey, wouldn’t it be nice to have a Japanese import disc of his classic film Deep Red?!” Sure, but not when I found out it would cost me $1,000 if one could be found!! Yikes!! That would be cutting heavily into my pizza funds. Fortunately, this is not the case with most import discs. I have seen the import of Bride of the Re-Animator for $15 and the uncut version of Friday the 13th with extra gore for $50. I bet you didn’t know one existed! Silly… Japan has it all! Hell, I even managed to pick up the Japanese import of Suspiria for a small amount.
The quality of the disc is gorgeous and the prints are always uncut (except for pubic patches). The Asian film market has a censoring rule to always optically blur the offending areas of full frontal nudity. This makes absolutely no sense when you see the stuff they don’t censor. They are some sick puppies over there. Just the Japanimation films alone have more violence packed in them then all of our U.S. Horror films joined together. Demons run amuck; ripping tendons, splitting faces, raping the hell out of everyone and everything. Incredible! Check it out!!
