Idle Chatter

by William Ham

Summer Movie Edition

The failure of Johnny Mnemonic, as disappointingly abject as it was, could easily have been avoided if only the studio execs had remembered Rule #313 of the Motion Picture Handbook, which states: “never cast Keanu Reeves in a movie if he can’t pronounce its title”… Oliver Stone has just signed a multi-picture deal with Disney, to begin with Bambi: The Untold Story, which dares to question established assumptions about the death of the beloved quadruped’s mother, including speculation as to Thumper’s alleged ties to Castro and the ever-controversial “second hunter theory”… coming soon: Crispin Glover and Corey Feldman lead a few-star cast as astronauts tormented by an interstellar axe murderer in both hockey and oxygen masks in Chuck Cunningham’s epic Apollo the 13th… next in the series of overlong Scottish historical epics: Mike Myers, Jason Connery, and Jackie Stewart in Let Go Of My Kilt, You Wee Bastard… and last but not least, if any porn producers are reading this, here are some unsolicited titles for some, well, upcoming features: Clear and Present Dangler, Natural Born Drillers, and Cape Rear, and The Englishman Who Wet… no, sorry, can’t bring myself to do it. Good night, Cleveland!