Idle Chatter

by William Ham

Following the sweeps blitz pulled off by ABC’s Beatles Anthology, UPN has optioned a speculative miniseries designed to pick the bones of another rock icon. Entitled If Elvis Was A Dog, it traces the muddy pawprints of the mutt from Memphis, from his early singles (“Mystery Gravy Train,” “Heartworm Hotel”), his stint in the K-9 Corps, his litter of films (Paradise, Alsatian Style, Bitches! Bitches! Bitches!), and his long, slow descent into a Gaines-Burger-and-Hartz-Mountain stupor. And who can forget his notorious appearance on Ed Sullivan, where he had to be shot from the flanks up so the home audience wouldn’t see the King humping Ed’s leg? It’s set to air in the spring in three parts for a total of 42 dog hours (that’s six to you and me)… Watch for some upcoming holiday specials that yule just love: A Christmas Carol and Ginger and Angelique (Playboy Channel, check listings), Kris Kringle deals with his eating disorders and discovers his inner elf in The Twelve Steps Of Christmas (syndicated), and An Agnostic Christmas. Actually, they’re still not sure if they’re doing that one or not… and that’s all for this year. Happy whatever to you and yours and them and theirs from me and mine.