Beefcake (Blue Lam)
by Sheril Stanford
This is Dr. Ha’s office calling. Your test results are back. You can’t continue abusing your vocal chords like this or you’ll be completely mute within three years. We’re not kidding. Please call us immediately for a follow up appointment and treatment options. Beeeep – Tony, this is your mother. Tony, wake up, I know you’re there. It’s three o’clock in the afternoon. Tony, this band nonsense has got to stop. You can’t keep playing this loud, fast, crazy stuff. You’re going to go deaf. It makes my blood pressure go up just thinking about it. You boys jump around screaming like maniacs in that basement every night. You call that singing? Nobody can even tell what you’re saying. And those shrieking sounds coming from those loudspeakers? My God! And why those guitars don’t just stop working the way you bang on them, I’ll never know. I’m just telling you, Tony, if you boys get evicted again, don’t come running to me… Why can’t you get a normal job like your brother? I mean it Tony, you… Beeeeep – Hey you guys, I just got the new CD! Dude, it rocks! Beeeeeep – This is your landlord. I’m giving you one more chance, and then you’re outta there.