Coroner’s Corner
by John Bikowski
illustration by Eric Johnson
Success is measured by how many different and exciting ways you can be fired from your career. While the only thing worse than losing your job at Burger King is keeping it, I was quite despondent when I was let go. Apparently the managerial staff was not enthralled by my impromptu game of “rotten tomato baseball with a broom handle” in their parking lot. Yet, I’ve come a long way since then, and the mind can only boggle at the troubles I might find as a high school teacher. But enough about me, this month I’ve unearthed some gems starring folks who wallowed in the crap and now have become successful. I’m sure every one of them would rather see these early roles forgotten, but I’m not going to let that happen…
Phantom of the Mall? Pauly basically acts like a moron and even moons the camera. This was the historical moment when the term “butt-ugly” was born. For the rest of this blockbuster, Pauly plays the hero being chased by a burnt maniac out for revenge. What about Brad Pitt’s role in the forgettable slasher Cutting Class? Pitt plays a pretty boy (what a stretch!) who combats a fellow student bent on stabbing people. The good news is that Brad gets his head shoved in a vise.
On a more embarrassing level is 1984’s Possession which threatens to ruin the careers of Sam Neill and Isabelle Adjani. Fortunately, they took inspiration from my Burger King bounce-back, and went on to star in the likes of Jurassic Park, Dead Calm, Camilla Claudel, and Diabolique. However, Possession must be seen and you will not be the same after having done so. I must warn you: mere English can not summarize nor capture the feel of this celluloid nightmare.
After having first seen it, I had to lie down on the ground and watch the ceiling spin, while thinking, “What the hell did I just see?!!!” The story surrounds the failed marriage between Neill and Adjani. It seems that Isabelle has been cheating on Sam which causes him to go slowly insane. Since Isabelle is obviously insane also, you would think they would be perfect together, but she opts for her secret lover instead. Oh, did I mention that her lover is some vampiric cucumber demon? Invite the whole family over for the scene where Adjani has some type of hysterical laughing/screaming fit in the subway that leads to a bloody miscarriage. You can almost feel the recesses of your mind unfolding while watching the film. I’ll never look at those two the same again. Beware: some video stores have versions with 40 minutes (!) cut out.
