Hooverphonic

A New Stereophonic Sound Spectacular (Epic)
by Lex Marburger

Alright, boys, load it in. Careful, careful. Hey, Joe – keep your end up! Don’t ya know what you’ve got there? Shit, that’s a model CX2000 Hooverphonic, moron. Whaddaya mean, “whaddaya mean?” Okay, big shot, these guys in Belgium realized that if ya take half of a Portishead and do something Tricky to it, you end up with A New Stereophonic Sound Spectacular. You follow me? Yeah, why do ya think it’s so heavy? That’s the low end, the part you’ve got right there. Kinda rounded and it throbs, too. Now, over there, that computer generates what kind of rhythm this thing’ll take. Hmm? Oh, not too fast. This Hooverphonic does its work insistently, it doesn’t hold for all that stuff that those ZZ3450 Prodigy models spit out. No, this is more delicate. I mean, look at that high end over there.

A bit fragile, sort of a crystalline structure, huh? That’s the voice of the whole system. Looks pretty sweet, don’t it? The theory is, when it starts running, it makes all these different messages, or something. I dunno, but I tried it once, and all I got was stuff like “Suffocate your love in a barrel full of doubt.” Poetry? Whaddaya mean, “poetry?” Geez, Mister High-and-Mighty over here, thinkin’ he knows how this stuff works. Just keep your end up, willya? This stuff’s gonna be worth somethin’ someday. Don’t ask me how I know, buddy. I just do, okay? Now, c’mon, after this job we got to haul some Goldie, and then Chemical Brothers Construction needs us at the site. Let’s get a move on.