Issue 37:

Socrates Is Coming, And You’re Out Of Swiss

First things first, I’d like to offer up a big round of applause for Mr. Trent Reznor, for, what else?, being selected as one of Time Magazine’s “Twenty-five Most Influential People in America”!!!??? Huh? Does that make sense to you? Influential in what way? Fashion? Music video? Does this mean he can have a guy killed just by making a phone call?
Jon Sarre, Sarre-Chasm: Waiting For the Bubble to Burst

I remember once when I blearily awoke curled up on the floor next to four other people, with a large naked man standing over me with a 40 in one hand and a bag of airline peanuts in the other. He handed them to me saying, “here’s breakfast.” Now that’s the way to start a Tuesday off right.
Lex Marburger, Liquor Lecture: Malt Liquor

“The Lord visited me in my sleep and with a strong, mellifluent voice said unto me:
“‘Have you been washed in the blood of the lamb but can’t get those stubborn stains out?’
“‘Yes, Lord, yes,’ I said.
“‘Then try new Sin-Away, the all-purpose soul cleanser! Allow me to demonstrate. Look at this shroud I wiped my face on. Pretty filthy, isn’t it? Now, look at this same shroud after only one application of Sin-Away!’
“‘Jesus! It’s as fresh and clean as Eden before the fall of man!’
“‘That’s right, my child. And if it cleansed this old sheet I left lying around Turin for a couple of thousand years, think of what it can do for your mortal soul! Here, try it.’
“‘My Lord! I feel like my skin is being stripped painfully from my body and my soul’s crying out in mortal anguish!’
“‘Good, my child. That means it’s working.'”
William Ham, The Culture Bunker: Welcome to the Messiah Complex

As it would be in an ancient tribal kingdom, political power in Chicago is absolute, incorruptible, infinite in length, and passed from father to son like eye color.
Dave Liljengren, Mike Royko, The Rare Newpaperman

I’m not sure if Gary Oldman under- or over-plays the Villain, a cross between Ming the Merciless, Adolf Hitler, and Jimmy Dean (the sausage king) stuck in Andy Warhol’s body.
Adam Haynes, The Fifth Element

Live shows are reported to have fake fellatio, nudity, big daddy dildos, outrageous costumes, line dancing, and setting lots of things on fire (sometimes on purpose). And to think I’ve been rolling my pennies for the next Jimmy Buffett show!
Chaz Thorndike, Sick & Wrong

Is it really a valid fantasy to be cooler than everyone else way before your time, or are the greatest successes better experienced in their proper context?
Austin Nash, Eater

My impression of the crowd was this: Gophers. Or are they moles? Whatever. These chubby-faced creatures come out of the woodwork (or out of the suburbs) and peek their twitching little pink noses into the air to see what’s out there. Their eyes blink at the daylight, their skin pasty from spending too much time in the dark (pun intended). They’re tentatively feeling their way around in small circles, huddled closely with their clan. …Ah, but I wish I had the patience to be one of those… whatever you call those people who travel halfway around the world to watch gorillas fuck.
Scott Hefflon, WBCN Rumble ’97

At this point in the proceedings, I’d like to present the court with irrefutable evidence that should prove beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt (Objection. Counsel is being unnecessarily clever again. … Sustained. Counsel is advised to get to the point.) that pop music is the willing and repeated victim of its own accelerated development and may justly be tried as an adult art form. If the court will turn to Exhibit A, the latest release from Supergrass, whose title,In It For The Money (Capitol), and sleeve art should serve as evidence that these young Limey fruits (Objection. I believe the proper legal term is “snaggletoothed Brit fops.” … Overruled. Either term is acceptable. You may continue.) have been spending an inordinate amount of time listening to dusty late-sixties vinyl and all but ignoring their Buzzcocks and Adverts LPs.
Nik Rainey, Supergrass

All I can say is that I’m glad (Retrospective) wasn’t a box set. Oh yeah, you think I’m being far-fetched, but look at Journey, they got a box set. OK, they were bigger than Leæther Strip ever was, but the difference is that when people say they haven’t heard of Leæther Strip, they’re not lying out of embarrassment.
Chris Best, Læther Strip