Godzilla
with Matthew Broderick, Jean Reno, Hank Azaria, Maria Pitillo
Directed by Roland Emmerich
Written by Dean Devlin, Roland Emmerich
(Columbia/TriStar)
by Ryk McIntyre
Well, you can’t say we didn’t know this one was coming. From buses as long as his jaw, multiple subway trains the size of his tail, and a promotional blitzkrieg that would’ve made the Third Reich pop a boner, it would’ve been a big rock indeed that you’d’ve needed to be under not to notice it. It’s the best “Giant Reptile” movie since Beast From 20,000 Fathoms, or Reptilicus. It’s the worst Godzilla movie EVER, and I include here the films with Gadzookie (a horrifying glimpse at Barney-of-Christmas-yet-to-be…).
Just so you know, I’m not identifying myself with the pocket-protectors of the universe, the people who objected to this sort of revisionism laid on their holy goofy icons. I wanted to like this movie. I got caught-up in the Hype. I predicted it would do for giant monster movies what Jurassic Park did for all things Dino. Boy, was I asking for it with that last one. The maddening thing in retrospect is that the first third of the movie, up to where the original G leaps into the fish market, works. And works well, with hints, shadows, innuendo, and things happening off-screen that whisper at the size of imminent danger. From there on, it sucks like an open chest wound.
Hollywood has never respected the K.I.S.S. edict (Keep it Simple, Stupid), and here they mess up yet again. Godzilla movies aren’t rocket science: all you need is the monster, a scale model of a major city (Tokyo works nice…) and a whole lotta toy tanks in between the two. For that matter, Godzilla movies aren’t biology, either. Godzilla is a hermaphrodite (what?) that lays a tapioca of eggs (losing me here…) and swims halfway around the world ’cause New York is an ideal place to raise kids (lost me). Next they’ll expect us to believe over-the-counter pregnancy tests work well for giant, radioactive lizards. If you believe that, you’d have to be so stupid as to forget that helicopters also fly up. Somewhere in all this are some human actors the paper-thin plot lines are wrapped around because… um, I forget.
That’s how out-of-place Matthew Broderick looks trying to do action/adventure, and how poorly Maria Pitillo fills up camera time trying to remind us of Elizabeth Shue. Unless, of course, her whole performance is a kind of metaphor for unethical journalism and overall human weakness – in which case, she rocks. Honestly, it is Jean Reno and Hank Azaria who save almost any scene they’re in, especially working off each other. Special mention goes to Reno’s idea to impersonate Americans by using gum-chewing Elvis-accented poor enunciation. It’s not that there aren’t a number of scenes/events that further kick this mangy dog to the curb, it’s that it would take too long to describe them all, and you’ve probably seen the movie already. If you haven’t (and God bless you and your lucky rock), then rest assured all you missed was a trip down the food chain called Hollywood Discharges A Movie (and how it’s gotta steal from Spielberg and it’s gotta have a car chase, which they also stole from Spielberg). My greatest tip is not only to wait for it on video, but to check out if your local video store has two-for-one night. You might as well see one good movie, right? That little piece of advice should serve you well when G II comes out, or will that be G 2000?
