Cranium – Speed Metal Slaughter – Review

Cranium

Speed Metal Slaughter (Necropolis)
by Scott Hefflon

Oh man! This is priceless! Ever since Exodus’ Bonded by Blood I’ve longed for manic, goofy, barbaric thrash – and now I have it in the form of Cranium‘s Speed Metal Slaughter. The disc opens with the intro to “Slaughter on the Dance Floor,” the story of a bunch of metal guys who’re barred from a club cuz the management doesn’t want any “metal guys,” especially those that chant “let’s give ’em hell” while waiting in line. In true Monty Pythonian fashion, they reply, “Whut?” and shriek their battle cry as they kill everyone with chainsaws. Guitars scale madly, whammy bars shudder, and umPA-umPA drumming ensues, meanwhile vocalist Chainsaw Demon cackles wickedly and emits yelps we’ve not heard the likes of since Baloff bonded us with scary lines such as “taste the sweet blood of one another” and “the pleasure of watching you die is what I will get.”

In a mere 30 minutes, Cranium reminds us of the ferocity speedmetal was capable of before it became a vehicle for wankers to show off their fretboard gymnastics now that no one bought glam records anymore. With the humor of a “good” B-horror movie, Cranium rampages through song after song of hawk shrieks, falsetto screams (obviously a different falsetto than tight-trousered sissies like Angelheart and Slaughter [one of the most inappropriately named bands in music history]) and gives voice to such lines as something-something-something “drill, it’s how many patients I can kill” (“Dentist of Death”), a nice tip o’ the hat to Slayer’s “War Ensemble.” There’re also references (often merely implied) to various movies, bands, lyrics, and riffs, all with a tongue-in-cheek humor many of us never thought a metal band would be capable of again. And to neglect mentioning the ripping production of Tomas Skogsberg would be a crime punishable by gutting. Speed Metal Slaughter is a breath of fresh air in a genre strangling itself with its own elitism. If you thought the days of nutty mayhem and murderous fun of speedmetal were over, Cranium is here to make you chant gloriously gory threats at non-believers and rock your sorry ass.
(PO Box 14815 Fremont, CA 94539)