The Other Rules
Never Wear Panties on a First Date and Other Tips
by Ann Blakey and Julia Moore
(Masquerade Books 211 pp $6.95)
by Suzanne Kammlott
Ann Blakey and Julia Moore’s sex-charged self-help book, The Other Rules: Never Wear Panties on a First Date and Other Tips, is an indulgent, wacky, whipped creme-slathered romp through the world of slutdom. Penned in reaction to the repressive, yet popular “Rules” manual that endorses abject passivity as a means to marriage, The Other Rules flushes that wan charade down the toilet in favor of unabashed exhibitionism and more. So, if you’re looking to up end your uptight existence, or if you’ve simply misplaced your copy of Nymphomania Made Easy, The Other Rules is for you.
According to the author’s notes, the Other Rules themselves have been around for a long time: whispered between knowing women, written on hidden slips of paper. Their book is based on the oral (eh, hmm) teachings of Trixibelle, a worldly French courtesan, who passed the rules onto her granddaughter, Fifi, after reading them posted in the ladies’ room at the Eiffel Tower. After an extended period of persuasive feather-tickling, Fifi confesses the prized secrets to Blakey and Moore. The liberating lore states, in essence, that you can have sex all the time, in all ways, in all places, and with all people. It’s just that easy; they want it –you got it! Delusional? Yes. An amusing read? Definitely.
In their quest to improve the female condition, Blakey and Moore relate a time-tested catalogue of naughty do’s, don’ts, and oh… do it agains in short, snappy chapters, crammed with illicit hi jinx and lots of goofy, groin-grinding grocery lists of things you’ll need in the wild world of libertinism. With a flip, reassuring tone, the free-minded authors outline ways to transform yourself from fruitless frump to kinky kitten. They make it seem easy, and that’s the point. Is there actual food in your fridge? Toss it and replace it with “champagne, ice, oysters, and chocolate sauce.” Does your closet contain a respectable assemblage of garments? Make room for “nipple clamps… ostrich feathers… and masking tape.” These two give new meaning to the term “play clothes.” And what about your name, does it roll off the tongue with an air of allure or does it roll like a fuzzball across the floor? They suggest a trip to the local court house where you can change your handle to the sexier “Brandy” or “Taffy” and watch those cold nights heat up. Bookshelves filled with disagreeable feminists? Bag the Steinem tomes and replace them with Story of O.
Blakey and Moore also advise fledgling hos on how to deal with various sexual eventualities, such as enlivening boring dates with cream corn wrestling, “We assure you that your date will enjoy this activity so much that he may never want to leave your apartment.” They also explore the economical benefits of romancing a transvestite, “If you want to double your wardrobe quickly, but don’t have the spare cash, date a cross dresser.” Some juicy chapter headings are “The Mistress File – How to Date a Married Man,” and the provocative “Always Answer the Door Naked!” Once you embrace their running crotchless gag, it gets a little predictable, but nonetheless amusing.
Deliciously perverse, spiritually contorted, and often criminally impractical, Blakey and Moore authoritatively dole out puff pastry after puff pastry of tantalizing man-getting suggestions – over 200 pages of ways to transform yourself into the most desirable specimen on the planet. The Other Rules is one big randy Cosmo article: nutritionless, unapologetic, irreverent, but wholly fun.
