Heroes Jargon
by Bob Butman
Spring is here Comic fans, so wrestle those earmuffs off your brain and cart your butt to your local dealer. There are a lot of hot books (and babes) out this month, so don’t miss out!
The good news this time is that I’m not going to vomit on anyone. As a matter of fact, I think this Heroes Jargon contains the most positive things I’ve said since they took me off that Prozac/Lithium combo. The new year has brought out some of the best stories and artwork money can buy. The only trouble is finding the funds to buy all of them. Since I can never seem to find any cash myself I can only try to help you get the most for your money.
Since I’m in a good mood, this time, we’re going to rush right into Marvel and some of it’s 94 storylines. The Shroud mini-series enters the scene much in the same way that most of the Marvel mini’s do in that you see them taking up space on the rack for the time that it takes to produce them. Unfortunately for the Shroud, it follows suit, but my sheer love for this ’70s character allows me to see through the generically formulated money-making four issue plot and its slightly interesting art work. Hopefully, this story will end up helping the Shroud move into a longer format.
In Spiderman’s life, we learn this year’s big shocker (Ha! Ha! Ha!): Peter’s parents are fakes. Who woulda thought? Yes, that’s right, the Parker’s are actually synthetic life forms used to find out Spidey’s identity, and boy does it work. But right before the truth is told, a battle breaks out. I’m telling you, that the shock will almost kill ya. NOT!! For one reason or another, the synthetic mother takes her role a little too seriously and refuses to let Daddy give up the information. Quickly, a marital dispute turns into a brutal wife beating, and only the good son Spidey can stop Dad’s rage. Meanwhile, the Vulture (who is currently searching for ways to sap people of their youth for his own) takes full advantage of the father/son quarrel and sucks Mom dry. However, the affects of tapping into a synthetic organism take control as the Vulture becomes young, but at what price? This story reads like a bad soap opera. I mean, an episode of Sesame Street would probably be more intellectually stimulating than this. For some reason, though, it keeps you interested in what will happen next. Go figure.
Along with synthetic wife beating, Marvel certainly throws us a loop in the latest Incredible Hulk. Rick Jones (long time friend of the Hulk and the Avengers) is getting married and, of course, the bachelor party is under way. After hours of drinking and a strip act courtesy of Nick Fury, the party winds down to the old favorites: Stag films. I’m sure you’re thinking, “So? This all sounds pretty normal to me. What’s so important?” Well, I’m gonna tell ya that the last page in this book will definitely leave your mouth hanging on the floor because the stag film they’re watching happens to have Rick’s fiance as the best supporting actress. OUCH!!! Marvel, you sure know how to hurt a guy.
Enough day time TV. Let’s get to some comics with some tasteful action. Turok finally woke me up! Both Turok 11 & 12 and XO Man O War 27 thru 29 were just what the doctor ordered to shake those winter blues. The Turok series takes us into a two part showdown with yet more of the Mother’s children, in Los Angeles’s Chinatown. Going undercover as a dealer in rare Indian Medicines, Turok manages to hunt down a deadly drug lord and his pet Dragons in a duel to the death.
XO has an interesting three part Turok crossover that takes our warriors into battle with the menacing minds of the Spider aliens. In this we learn that the XO suit was designed with a self-destruct mechanism so as to ensure that the suit could not cause the Spider aliens too much harm if it fell into the wrong hands. Is this the end of XOmanowar? Can he still wage war on the Spider aliens without the suit? Will Turok still hang out with him even though he’s not the fighting machine he once was? Can you count to ten? Who shot J.F.K. and how many licks does it take to get to the center of tootsie roll tootsie pop? I haven’t an answer for any of these, but I bet issue #30 will help out.
The Killer Instinct, WildC.a.t.s./Cyberforce crossover from Image raged to a climax that leaves ya twitching. Both teams collide in a violent battle with Ripclaw and Warblade on the front lines. Misery’s control of the Cyberforce team made the WildC.a.t.s. her prime enemy, and there was no stopping her. Well, almost. The fact that Warblade stuffed his claws right through her chest pretty much laid her to rest. Freeing up the mind control on Cyberforce with her death, Ripclaw was able see the that Warblade was indeed his friend. Good story, but it really wasn’t all that touching (Thank God!).
The Maxx vs Pitt was of course misleading in the fact that it was more like a Maxx/Pitt team up. Once again, Sam Keith manages to write and illustrate a beautiful book that never seems to make complete sense. Hey, I can’t say that I truly understand it, but I’ll tell you what, I’ve never missed an issue, and I’m not about to.
Alright, you know I’m not going to let this issue go by without a comment on the new Batman/Spawn entitled War Devil. In this crossover, Batman and Spawn find themselves on the trail of the ancient demon Croatoan who’s planning to slay the people of Gotham with his zombie armies to insure his own little corner of hell to rule. Hey, everybody’s got to think about their retirement. Spawn, hinging on a lost memory of Gotham, finds himself fighting for his life, unable to decipher parts of his past (what’s new?). Anyway, this book is filled with the talents of Moench, Dixon, Grant, and Janson, and they most certainly make the issue worth reading, but at $4.95, borrow it from a friend so you don’t feel cheated.
So this time, D.C. is going to end it, and as crazy as it sounds, it’s going to have a happy ending. The Green Lantern goes all-out in issue #50. It seems like the old G.L. has been taking hate lessons from the Punisher, Vengeance 101. A+ for Hal Jorden (A.K.A. Green Lantern) and this violent climactic masterpiece. Bearing two fistfulls of power rings and a well of hatred towards the Corps, they really didn’t stand a chance. G.L. wipes them out and their last line of defense, Sinestro. Seeing the final battle between Hal and Sinestro was like a Saturday morning nightmare on the Superfriends. It was Great!! Instead of Sinestro and G.L. countering each other with silly images, they drop the rings and pound each other like senseless drunks. In the end (the happy end) Jorden takes Sinestro (in a loving embrace) and KRACKS his spine, leaving him a dead bloody heap. Bravo D.C.: With more meaningful books like this, you’d be unstoppable.
Since we’re on the topic of endings, Batman’s KnightsQuest is dwindling down to one. Well, ending isn’t really a good word, it’s more like transforming. The long-awaited conclusion to Knightfall is on its way, and not a moment too soon. The on-going story of Jean-Paul Valley has been getting really old. Knightsend will be the last installment of the Batman’s darkest hour, and if it’s put together even half as well as the beginning, we may possibly have one of the greatest saga’s ever told.
There were a few things more that I wanted to say, but they’ll have to wait due to the wonderful opportunity of Paul (The Samuri Lover) E. Lee’s interview with Chaos’s Steven Hughes. In closing, I’d like thank Steven Hughes and Paul Lee for their time and thoughts. I really appreciate it. I’d also like to take a line or two and say goodbye to one of my best friends. To Stanley, the friend who always listened and who never left my side. You always managed to make me feel human and keep me hoping for tomorrow. May you truly rest in peace.
(All comics reviewed courtesy of Super Hero Universe and Comicopia.)
