Coroner’s Corner – Column

Coroner’s Corner

by John Bikowski
illustration by P.L.

The more new “horror” films I see, the more I appreciate the awesome exploits of the late 1970s to mid-1980s. For every decent film that comes down the pike such as Candyman or The Crow, there must be at least a dozen absolute shitters spewing out onto the video shelves. Unfortunately, some of these turkey droppings even make it into the movie theatres (i.e. Brainscan, or Ghost In The Machine). These modern horror films are far too polished and pretty, not to mention inane. Filmmakers seem to feel that every film must have requisite morphing meltdowns and unbelievable explosions. Characters must overcome some post-traumatic childhood experience to relinquish the demons (or maniacs). I say, “Booooo.”

Case in point, Return of The Living Dead III was recently released (unrated) on video and while the film is entertaining, it is no classic like the original. This third entry in the trilogy concerns a boy and his girlfriend who stumble upon some bio-engineering tests on reanimated corpses. The army wants to develop a method to send zombies as troops to tear apart the enemy. Once the contagion starts, anyone bitten would turn into a brain-sucker as well. All the American army would have to do is march in and freeze the brains of the zombies with specially designed weapons once the carnage is complete.

While fleeing from his father, who is in charge of the testing, the kid dumps his bike, thereby sending his girlfriend smacking face-first into a telephone pole. She dies instantly. As expected, she is reanimated with zombie gas. Unfortunately, she begins to get hungry for brains. While hiding from the military and a group of Hispanics they manage to piss off, the cute couple tries to come to terms with the her need to eat flesh. She manages to munch on a helpless victim along the way, but it becomes harder and harder for her not to put the bite on her lover. She finds that when she is in pain, she does not hunger. This realization leads to several juicy scenes in which she stabs, slices, rips and mangles herself with all manner of nails, glass and chains. This film is required viewing for all S&M freaks. The chase eventually leads to the testing plant and though the ending is certainly not happy, the lovers are once again united.

The film is a bloodbath with wall to wall shotgun splatter, brain munchings and flesh tearings. While I appreciate the grue, gore done for gore’s sake begins to lose its impact. The scene from Return of The Living Dead Part I where the “bbbrraaiinzz” zombie bites into a punker’s skull still delivers a shock more effectively than most of the scenes from Part III. In case you were wondering, Return of The Living Dead Part II sucks buffalo butt-biscuits with unbridled passion.

Don’t get me wrong, Return of The Living Dead Part III is a pretty good flick, compared to its present company:Ticks, Skeeter, Puppetmaster 4, Leprechaun 2, Subspecies (all) etc, ad nauseam. None of these deserve to be on the same shelf as Dawn of The Dead, Maniac, Suspiria, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Zombie or The Killer Demons. These films have a grittiness and greasiness about their atmosphere that money can’t buy. More than likely, no one will ever make these types of films again. Therefore, we should treasure the ones we have.

Sickest Scene of the Month: Raspberry Jello Head from Maniac.

FX maestro, Tom Savini, rigged up the effect in a car below the Verrazano Bridge. A guy (Savini himself) and a girl are about to drive away from a make-out session when their headlights fall on a figure dressed in black. In super slo-mo action, the vagrant jumps up on the hood of the car, levels a shotgun at the driver, and blasts away. The guy’s head is blown apart like a watermelon dropped from the Empire State Building onto a landmine. Bloody bits fly everywhere, covering the seats and the onlooking girl. Savini said the car was so filled with sheep guts that they just sank it and walk away. I think I’ll get some scuba gear and check it out!

In closing, if you enjoy gore’s classic films, then you will probably not get off on the recent video horrors. In a different genre, try Reservoir Dogs, True Romance, Goodfellas, A Bronx Tale, and Carlito’s Way.