Coroner’s Corner – Column

Coroner’s Corner

by John Bikowski
illustration by Eric Johnson

Wanna see the crappiest of all films made in recent history? Then check out Jack-O, which was seemingly made with a $250 budget (including the $80 monster costume rental from Wal Mart). Basically, a giant moron with a pumpkin for a head goes around carving up very annoying people with a scythe. A woman with a knife trips and stabs her toaster which electrocutes her. This movie sucks with unbridled passion.

A safer bet is to drop the cash and go see Copycat. This movie appeals to me because we get to see Harry Connick Jr. looking butt-ugly. With a voice like his, it’s not fair that he looks good too. The story concerns the tracking of a twisted, intelligent psycho by Sigourney Weaver and Holly Hunter. Weaver is an expert psychologist and former victim who now can’t step a foot outside her house to get the paper. However, she does have the Internet, which the killer uses to send clues and a particularly unsettling morph complete with screaming sound effects. Hunter is a cute little homicide detective who would look more at home spanking third graders in reading rainbow class. Though she will blow a big ole bloody hole in your arm in a heartbeat. This flick generates suspense and creates anticipation for each impending scene. While not as grisly and depressing as Seven, Copycat rates right up there on the entertain-o-meter. My only regret is that Sigourney didn’t have anything slimy burst gorily out of her chest. They should have worked it in.

So Lords of Illusions by Clive Barker didn’t turn you on? You’d rather see a Mister Rogers Marathon than Mikey Myers in Halloween 6? Well, for a real pulse pounder, go see Seven. The film starts off with loud, discordant rhythms from Nine Inch Nails played over the distorted credits. The story concerns a burnt-out homicide detective (Morgan Freeman) working on his last case about a serial killer who pays homage to the Seven Deadly Sins. He is joined by a young, feisty detective (Brad Pitt) new in the city. The deaths are sick and gory. I liked them very much. This film has the balls to show us quite a bit, even when our twisted imaginations would have sufficed. The filming is dark, which perfectly contrasts the deep, red pools of blood and hemorrhaging discolorations of the victims. Highlights include a victim forced to remove his own flesh, death by fornication, a nasty overweight corpse, and a denosing. Another major plus is the filmmakers’ courage to end the film on a depressingly vicious note. Thank you, Seven. We need more films like you to remind us how intensely maniacal the world has become. Now that’s scary.