Gwar

at Venus
by Lex Marburger
photo by Joe Reilly

Ah, yes. The Scumdogs of the Universe had deemed Boston worthy for domination and terror. It turned out we were in for a saga of epic proportions. In true Gwar style, Oderous started the show by pissing on the audience as they opened with the title track from their new album, Ragnarök (Metal Blade). It then happened during “Black and Huge” that space aliens (you know, the kind with triangular heads and big, black eyes) appeared and used a device to suck out his semen (but not all of it, of course. He had to save some of it to spray on all of us unworthy humans). After he had recovered, Slymestra Hymen (I don’t know why, but I’d be willing to let her trample all over my face any day!) took the stage, swinging and twirling torches around, coming close to setting the lights and stage on fire. The aliens made another appearance and drenched her with Oderous’s sperm. This did not bode well for Slymestra, as Oderous is a known AIDS carrier. After a heated argument in “Fire,” she stalked off the stage, and Gwar continued killing things and spraying blood everywhere. It amazed me that some people were trying to duck the liquid flying through the air, and got pissed off when splattered with goo. Why the hell were they at the show, much less in front? Anyway, Gwar continued to play and sing of destruction, rape, pillage, plunder, and the huge comet Ragnarök that is coming to destroy Earth.

Just then, Slymenstra appeared on a throne, distended stomach, screaming out her labor pains. Sexecutioner, helpful soul he is, decided to perform a C-section with his pole axe, and ripped out the offspring of Slymestra and Oderous. Actually, it looked a lot like those aliens, only this thing had teeth. Oderous denied it was his. “No man! It doesn’t look anything like me!” Beefcake: “Yeah, but it does smell like shit!” Oderous: “Okay, it could be mine.” Suddenly, minions of Cardinal Syn entered and demanded the child. A battle ensued, spraying yet more stuff onto the eager crowd, which now looked as if they worked in an abattoir, up close. Gwar, amazingly, lost. It became apparent that Ragnarök was not a comet, but rather Cardinal Syn himself, a giant robot come to enslave the planet in morality and fear. Now Gwar got royally pissed, and went ballistic. Oderous lobotomized himself, attacking with his 10-foot sword; Slymestra pulled a gigantic tampon out of herself and started bludgeoning away, and Sexy hacked his way indiscriminately through the throng, and finally, triumphantly, Gwar ripped off Syn’s arms as great gouts of blood made the crowd look like that great scene in Carrie. With a final shot of cum, Gwar took off back to Antarctica to recuperate and plan their next stage of dominion over the earth. To round off the night, I got an autographed picture of Slymenstra, and I got pulled over by a cop, who was rather suspicious of the blood running down my face and clotted in my hair. But that’s another story.