Idle Chatter

by William Ham

Those vid-music necrophiles at VH1 have done it again. Evidently, resurrecting Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert (starring the least charismatic man who ever trod on terra firm) wasn’t enough, ’cause ’96 has brought us daily showings of The Best of American Bandstand (12:30 and 10 pm), giving unsuspecting channel-surfers the dubious honor of sampling one of the more embarrassing tastes in our cultural stew. Yes sir, it’s all here – the most ludicrous fashions and hairstyles of our age attached to gawky Clearasil junkies who apparently checked their sense of rhythm at the studio door, gyrating to songs that weren’t even cool then. And of course, you get the inimitable presence of Dick “the 70-Year-Old-Teen” Clark, fumfering through intros and interviews and making his usual pork-fisted attempts at “with-itness”. (He prefaces each show with a nostalgic intro, but never once does he own up to the real reason for the show’s existence – to lure unsuspecting young people into the ABC studios so he can take them in back afterwards and drink their blood to maintain his eternally youthful appearance. Dick, just admit it.) I sincerely doubt that either he or VH1 has the sense of humor to rebroadcast Public Image Ltd.’s infamous 1980 appearance, where Johnny Whatever-he-called-himself-that-week refused to lip-sync and tried to incite a teenage riot. This show is best experienced in 20 second increments while on your way to see if there’s a Sybil Danning film on the Movie Channel. Out of time – more sneers and smears next month.