Liquor Lecture

by Lex Marburger

It has come to the attention of Lollipop that many of our readers enjoy imbibing an alcoholic liquid every now and again (and again …). With public interest in mind, we offer a Lollipop guide to Liquor. Please note: We are trained professionals and the “experiments” that follow are not for “casual” or “social” drinkers. Lollipop assumes no responsibility for the actions of any drunk person, including its own staff members. And ask Mom first, okay?

Bourbon

Ah, bourbon. The premier of brown liquors. Visions of rednecks with Jack Daniels T-shirts and tuxedo-clad socialites in ballrooms sit comfortably side by side. Adaptable to anything, bourbon adds a taste of… well, kerosene, to be blunt. But it can somehow be sweet, and as an “acquired taste” it is unbeatable. When you drink bourbon straight, you know you’re drinking alcohol. A personal favorite combination is the Boiler Maker. This curious combo was discovered by the Irish, of course. It consists of a pint of Guinness and a shot of bourbon. Whoo! Not only will the taste show you that yes, you are alive, but with an average of three shots to a pint, you’ll even start believing that Ireland will drive the English out someday (cue the rising chorus of “The Croppy Boy”). But onward to the meat of this article. What else will this brown liquid do to your head?

I have found that bourbon is a sloppy drunk. I usually describe it as beer, where the incoherence, slurred speech, and exceedingly infantile behavior come rapidly. This has both positive and negative effects, depending on the situations you find yourself in. For example:

At a loud and noisy party, bourbon will make you stumble up to your best friend and blather, “I love you, man… no, I really do. You’re the best.” It will also make you stumble up to a pretty woman and explain to her in a rational manner (as best you can with your eyes refusing to completely focus) why she should go home with you and let you do unmentionable things to her?

Bourbon is the drink of family bonding. As one person has said, “There are some things that should come between a father and his son. Namely a bottle of Jack.” When the truth comes out (finally) amongst family, there’s usually a familiar brown liquid involved. It builds a sense of trust between people, the shared knowledge that if both of you are drinking this stuff that tastes like poison (and some of you know it is poison), the other person can’t be all bad.

Bourbon can also turn an intelligent, mature adult into a sniveling, petulant brat. As a typical example, if you’re happily drunk on Ezra Brooks and then something happens to alter your plans for the evening, your universe will probably shrink to an area roughly the size and shape of your body, and you’ll become a selfish no-good shit, drinking yourself into a puke-filled stupor (this didn’t happen to me of course… no, really…). But sometimes regressing past the Superego and diving straight into the Id can be fun.

Recently, a friend of mine and I were going to go out dancing. We started the evening with a bottle of Jim Beam and never made it to the club. We ended up rolling around on the floor until 5:00 am. The details are a bit sketchy (another drawback), but I’m sure I had fun. I’m just trying to figure out where that goat came from…

And there it is, the results of bourbon. The pains, the pleasures, the actions, reactions, and simple tastes of this painful and wonderful booze. So fill yourself a glass and get a copy of Tom Waits’ Nighthawks at the Diner. It does a body good. Tune in again for next month’s alcohol review: Vodka.

Send in your stories, tales, and recipes of the current liquor (e.g. vodka) being reviewed to Lollipop, and we’ll try to include them in our further research reports.