Mediacrity
by William Ham
Sorry. Can’t talk now. Watching Are You Being Served? Heh-heh, the old blue-haired lady said something about her “pussy” – but she was referring to her cat! God, I never get tired of that one. Oh, anyway, gotta fill space, so I ripped a page out of America’s leading idiot-box journal, so here’s:
ASK T.B. SNIDE
Q: Jerry Speck, the charming and erudite sewage attendant on UPS-TV’s Bless this Slaughterhouse, has a very familiar voice. Where have I heard it before? – M.R.I., Legoland, OD
A: You may have heard Jerry (real name: Margaret “the Icepick” Volpone) as the voice of Scott Baio’s genitals in the heartwarming 1981 ABC Afterschool Special “Where Did All This Pus Come From?” Or perhaps he’s just one of the many voices in your head commanding you to commit antisocial acts and write dimwitted questions to weekly TV publications. Does that help, Einstein?
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Q: Are Bonnie Colewort of Frank’s Place and Jor-El Colewort of Plank’s Face related? – D.W.I., God’s-Little-Ache, NA
A: Only insofar as neither of them would bother to piss on you if you were spontaneously combusting on National Help-the-Pathetic Day, tinhorn.
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Q: Please help settle a bet for me. My brother says that you can see TV in 3-D if you close one eye. I say he’s been drinking too much Pledge. Who’s right? – T.D.M., City, ST
A: I’d answer your question, but I’m too busy collecting on a wager of my own. My editor-in-chief says that single-celled organisms can’t utilize the postal system. Your letter has proven him wrong. I just made five bucks, thereby doubling my monthly salary for answering questions from dickweeds like you. Now piss off – it’s time for my semi-hourly cocktail.
