Coroner’s Corner
Damn Fine Underoos
by John Bikowski
illustration by Eric Johnson
While in Lake George, I conducted an exclusive interview with the Frankenstein Monster. I’d reprint it for you but every question I asked was met with a stupefied, green-rubber-masked blank stare. Thanks for your time, pal. Meanwhile, for a few measly bucks you can bring your family into the wax museum where small children will delight to such sights as a meat-cleaved woman in a bathtub. Other visual treats include a medieval torture chamber and some poor sap in an electric chair where you (yes, you) can push the button, thereby sealing his fate. Works over and over too! Kids love it. Last time I was there I saw an ambulance parked out front. I’m not sure why though… but bring Grandma anyway.
Out on home video this past month, look for the extra carnage supplementing the director’s cut of Natural Born Killers. I’m still not sure what the plot is. However, viewing NBK is one o’ those rare times when being under the influence of a low IQ comes in quite handy. Also being re-released to the video market are choice episodes of the classic Incredible Hulk and Spiderman live-action TV series. Simply put, these shows are absolutely awesome in their ineptitude (which is mainly why I love them so). You can’t just recreate that late-’70s TV feeling and all the images therein… Those sweet pants that are tight in the crotch but oh-so free flowing in the bell bottom… Those feathered haircuts that completely hide the ears… Thirty different patterns between the carpet, the drapes, and any random person’s tie… Special effects for the truly feeble-minded… And to top everything off, the best acting this side of a Tide commercial.
The Spiderman video is a series pilot where our hero gets bit by a radioactive spider and finds he can climb walls, bend steering wheels, wear stupid underwear, etc. Without looking carefully you will see that most of the buildings he crawls along are mostly enlarged photographs of the actual wall filmed at an angle. Also look for the scene where his web-slinger captures three large judo masters, rendering them sticky and defenseless. Yet, one second later they are miraculously clean and chasing Spidey down the hall. Great editing there.
The Incredible Hulk appears in two episodes – one is the pilot and the other is where he falls from a plane and dies. Hulk also appeared in a 1985 movie alongside Thor who used his super Viking powers to drink beer and pick up women. Did you ever notice that when the Hulk gets pissed, everything grows to gigantic proportion except his waist size? His shirt pops off, his shoes pop off, his hairdo pops up, but his pants stay right there, baby. You’re probably wondering why I care about this. Anyway, even in retrospect, the Hulk stories have an air of sadness about them that nicely balances the cheesiness. Check these out for some nostalgic entertainment.
