Coroner’s Corner
A Public Service Announcement
by John Bikowski
illustration by Eric Johnson
Before it’s too late, I wish to bid you warning about the latest trend in direct-to-video crap. Money hungry distributors are now packaging the worst-ever horror films in tacky boxes with holograms and/or naked women to attract those unlucky enough to be members of the no-brain jamboree. Ones to look out for include The Surgeon, Werewolf and any of the Witchcraft sequels. These are all piss-poor extended MTV videos full of no-name actors and the same old plots (however with the suck factor turned up full blast). Video companies are waiting until the Summer rental season to purge their systems in our direction. I’m merely trying to improve your quality of life, so stay away unless a) You are an idiot, or b) You don’t yet realize what an idiot you truly are. Even though Socrates claims to have belonged in category “b,” I can’t picture him clutching a hot copy of Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity.
If you are looking for a horror fix, you’re much better off with the proven classics. Drop this rag and get to work if you haven’t yet seen The Exorcist (twisted, vomitous, head-twisting hijinks), The Omen (Satan’s spawn.. the music alone sent me to the cutlery drawer for protection), or Dawn of the Dead (superior zombie social commentary).
Meanwhile in the mainstream theaters, I caught The Devil’s Own. Even though most people I know thought it reeked, I rather enjoyed it. Harrison Ford plays an honest New York Cop whose family takes in a refugee from Ireland (Brad Pitt). What they don’t realize is that Pitt is a trained warrior ensconced in the IRA who is laying low in America. It seems that the military in his homeland wiped out most of Pitt’s army and now Pitt has set a course for revenge. With another Irish friend, he plans to sail back home with a bunch of missiles to settle the score. Life gets tricky when the missile connection (played by a greedy Treat Williams) gets itchy for his cash, and when Ford catches on. The acting is excellent (as expected), Pitt’s accent is well done, and the music was cool (like a Nordic expedition). Sorry ladies, as much as I can remember, Pitt keeps all of his clothes on.