Rowan-Morrison’s Guide To Home Video
(Even if it stars Howie Long, it will still be covered, but only with a shovel and dirt.)
When I was first given the opportunity to write for Lollipop, I wrote some great features on how to sabotage roller coaster seat belts and 101 places to stash a dead otter. Unfortunately, I was informed that my contributions would revolve around reviewing videos. If you feel you’ve made the wrong decision by reading this column instead of a similar script in one of those glossy magazines, please consider the following:
1. I pledge to make at least one gratuitous remark regarding that missing scene in Star Wars showing Luke beating off to the holographic image of Leia (like you didn’t think about it).
2. All of the latest videos come across my desk. Well, it’s not actually a desk, it’s the counter I work behind at K-Mart. Now, on with the rentals…
Living In Oblivion. Steve Buscemi stars as the director of a low budget film that encounters more problems than a one-armed kid playing Galaga. This film generated more smiles than my Hello Kitty syringe giveaway at the neighborhood daycare center.
Man Bites Dog. No, this isn’t a copy of Mike Tyson’s funniest home videos, it’s a murderer mockumentary; picture Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer meets Spinal Tap.
Tatie Danielle. Imagine an old woman who would rather ditch her seven-year-old nephew downtown than babysit him. It’s cruel fun for the whole family. If you’re bothered by subtitles, don’t worry – you can always pay somebody $20 to paint you a sign to wear around your neck that says “Welcome to dumbass county, population: me.”
La Femme Nikita. You’ve either heard about the TV show based on this dark 007-esque movie or had the painful misfortune of seeing the American adaptation (Point of No Return), but if you haven’t seen the actual film, you’re in for a treat (no, not “teat;” you’re thinking of Anne Parillaud’s other film, Innocent Blood). If you liked The Professional, then you’ll love this.
Ridicule. This French period piece deals with how the only way to be a social climber is to showcase your wit, primarily by cleverly insulting the most popular people at a party. This means utilizing techniques other than a can of cream of mushroom soup to emulate vomit, like I did at my cousin’s wedding.
Notes from Rowan-Morrison’s significant other:
Once again, the above material is riddled with disgusting analogies. I suggested that he alter the masturbating Luke line with a reference to the footage of Darth Vader mounting the corpse of Yoda (included, then sadly axed from the Special Edition), but he went with incestuously lewd over merely tasteless. Not to mention that I really used to like cream of mushroom soup.
