The Original Sins

Suburban Primitive (Blood Red)
by Jon Sarre

Allow me to start by sayin’ right off the bat that I hate this band. No, I loathe them. I never have liked these guys and at the rate it’s goin’ it doesn’t look like I ever will. After I performed the odious task of reviewin’ 1996’s Bethlehem (which, to be fair, was far, far worse than this record), Lollipop hetmon Scott H. promised that I’d never haveta write up another Original Sins record. I knew I shoulda demanded he put it in writing.

I’m a professional, though (this band sucks), I gotta do what I gotta do, regardless of my own personal taste (this disc sucks). I can be unbiased (every song on this record sucks). Just cuz I feel one way about somethin’ (to recap, this band sucks) doesn’t mean that everyone’s gonna feel that way (I’m not kiddin’, they really suck). The fact that there isn’t even one good song on this record shouldn’t stop you from runnin’ out and buyin’ it ASAP, especially if you’re the type of person who watches ’80s movies and digs the “rockin'” soundtrack and wonder why Lou Gramm and John Cafferty never collaborated on a project (as it is prophesied in The Book of Mormon).

Not only is Suburban Primitive one of the most miserable releases you can buy this year, it’s also derivative as hell. Brother J.T. and his crew of Steve Shelley-lookalikes don’t even do their influences justice. Anything that resembles somethin’ good is a sickly pale imitation. The unfortunate listener can look forward to hearin’ bad 13th Floor Elevators (“Making Up For Lost Time”), bad Lyres (“Ain’t Got Me Down”), bad Kinks (“Easier Said Than Done” and, as an aside, is there anything on Earth worse than bad Kinks?), bad Loaded-era Velvet Underground (“Like You Like It”) and something which was probably supposed to recall bad Iggy, but comes off more like Golden Earring (“Kill the Band,” er, sorry, the Buddah, “Kill the Buddah”). On the brighter side, they do pull off a pretty keen Jesus Jones imitation (“Wonderbra”). Why anyone should care, I don’t know, but here they are, folks, the Original Sins, coming soon to an airport lounge near you!