Rowan-Morrison’s Guide To Home Videos
(I’m not talking about video taping your home, but I have thought about it.)
I was recently checking out this really bad video, but I couldn’t find out what it was called. It had some guy in an office going through a stack of Almond Joy candy bars. He was just eating the chocolate and coconut parts, while only sucking on the almonds. Afterwards, he placed the nuts into a jar and managed to trick a man who looked like his boss into eating some. As it turns out, it was a tape from the surveillance camera hidden behind my desk at work, so now this is my full-time job. Because I’m on the topic of bosses, I thought I would lead off my column with the following work place classic.
SWIMMING WITH SHARKS. Imagine 9-5 meets Death & The Maiden; it’s a grim comedy about a disgruntled employee who kidnaps and tortures his boss. Hey, with Kevin Spacey and Frank Whaley (Brett from Pulp Fiction), how can you go wrong?
THE NASTY GIRL. Aaaaaah yeah, a documentary about the 2-Live Crew… wait a second, there’re no hootchie mamas in this film. Apparently, it’s about a German girl who exposes a Nazi-related cover-up in her home town. A serious premise, but an entertaining film with a few post-modern touches. I know what you’re thinking, but the answer is no – there aren’t any extra clips at the end of Hitler grinding away to funky Miami beats.
COLD COMFORT FARM. Based on the trailers, this might seem like one of those boring Merchant Ivory period piece films that inevitably stars a mutton-chopped Anthony Hopkins, but it’s not. Instead, you get an amusing Hopkins-free comedy that will appeal to fans of British humor.
THE WRONG TROUSERS and A CLOSE SHAVE. These two noir ish Wallace and Gromit vehicles prove that claymation can hold its own against live action films. In fact, the characters in W&G do a better job acting than any of the stars of Titanic… okay, excluding that old bag and the propeller guy.
SHALLOW GRAVE. Prior to Trainspotting, the guilty parties created this grimmer, yet equally-amusing film. It involves three friends, one corpse, a case of cash, and plenty of dark laughs. Tarantino fans will love it, but it doesn’t stoop to using Tarantino-styled pop culture dialogues. When I saw it at the theater, there was a great sex scene involving hot caramel and onions, but an usher made us stop during the previews.
Notes from Rowan-Morrison’s significant other:
Wow, a whole column with not one reference to bodily fluids, bodily harm, or things done bawdily. Then again, he did mention Howie Mandel and some questionable caramel carnality. Well, I guess you can’t polish a… WAAIT!!!! I’ve become HIM!
