Scream 2 – Review

Scream 2

With Neve Campbell, David Arquette, Courtney Cox, Jada Pinkett, Heather Graham
Written by Kevin Williamson
Directed by Wes Craven
by William Ham

Someone’s taking their hatred of overhyped young screenwriters one step too far.

SCENE: A well-furnished house somewhere in the Hollywood Hills. Kevin Williamson sits at his kitchen table, counting his money and whistling a medley of half-forgotten TV theme songs. The phone rings; he picks it up.

KEVIN: Hello?
VOICE: Do you like scary movies?
KEVIN: (aside) Oh, Jesus, not another one… (condescendingly) Yes, of course I like scary movies, it’s how I make my living, now please get off the line. I’m waiting for a call from UPN. I’ve got a pilot for a show about a gang of wise-cracking seventeen-year-old quadriplegic detectives in development, and I just thought of a unique twist.
VOICE: Not those kinds of scary movies. Have you seen Four Rooms? A Life Less Ordinary?…
KEVIN: Look, if this is Rex Reed, I already told you I don’t have Skeet Ulrich’s home number.
VOICE: She’s the One? If Lucy Fell?
KEVIN: H-hey, stop that. I’m hanging up.
VOICE: YOU HANG UP AND I’LL CUT YOUR SHARE OF DAWSON’S CREEK‘S LUNCH-BOX RESIDUALS IN HALF! YOU HEAR ME?
KEVIN: Oh, my god… What do you want?
VOICE: I want to play a little game, Kevin. You like games, don’t you? Little clever kitschy Pirandello-meets-R.L.-Stine-I-spent-far-too-much-time-at-the-video-store metatextual japes?
KEVIN: Is that a trick question?
VOICE: No. It’s “ironic.” Hah-hah-hah-hah!… Here’s how the game works, Kevin – for every question you answer correctly, that’s another sequel you’ll be able to milk out of this franchise. Answer wrong, and – take a look outside, Kevin.

Warily, Kevin goes to the glass door at the back of his house and flips on the light. He sees nothing but a piece of paper with two monetary figures on it. The first is far larger than the second.

KEVIN: I see a piece of paper with numbers.
VOICE: That’s right, boyfriend. The top figure is Pulp Fiction‘s total domestic box-office gross.
KEVIN: And the… (gulp)… second one?
VOICE: …Jackie Brown.
KEVIN: OH, MY GOD! NO!

Kevin grabs a Robert Englund-autographed promotional razor claw and cowers in a corner.

KEVIN: Y-you try and touch my career and I’ll call my agent on you!
VOICE: That’s what Shane Black said… then I Last Action Hero ed him. If you answer my questions correctly, you’ll have nothing to worry about. I’ll even give you a warm-up question.
KEVIN: Please leave me alone. I’ll do anything. You want a date with the Noxzema girl? I can hook you up, no problem. Her pores may be clean, but lemme tell ya…
VOICE: SHUT UP! Here’s your first question… name the dark teen satire that made Daniel Waters the hippest, hottest screenwriter in Hollywood.
KEVIN: That’s easy. Heathers.
VOICE: Very good, Kevin. This next one’s for keeps – name two of his more notable features since then.

A look of unfathomable horror crosses Kevin’s face.

KEVIN: I-I-I-uh-guh-guh-guh…
VOICE: I think you know, but you can’t bring yourself to say it.
KEVIN: Don’t – oh, please, I…
VOICE: I’ll start you off. The Adventures of Ford Fairlane and…

Kevin starts flipping out, bashing his head against the wall and pleading incoherently.

KEVIN: Nah-no-no! N-n-no! Klaatu barada nikto!
VOICE (whispering demonically): …Hudson Hawk.
KEVIN: AAAGGGGHHHH!!! Stop it! Please! For the love of God, stop it!
VOICE: Too late, Kev. You lose. An encyclopedic knowledge of premium-cable history and the ability to make up new slang words simply aren’t enough to maintain success in Hollywood anymore. I saw your little sequel – don’t try and tell me that the fact that your mockery of horror-film clichés has itself become clichéd was part of your master plan, or that all the dialogue about how lame sequels are takes the sting out of how lame your sequel is. You may get a couple mil per script now, but mark my words, in five years you’ll be hawking spec scripts to Mexican animal-porn loop producers. You’re dead, Williamson.
KEVIN: (gasping for air) N- ah- I- Now the world don’t move to the beat of just one dr-

He expires, dropping phone. Zoom in on phone.

VOICE: Ah. That’s one down. Now it’s time to pay a little visit to Affleck and Damon – I wonder if they still sleep in bunk beds – then it’s onto those South Park guys. “Oh, my God! They killed our hip cachet! YOU BASTARDS!” I’ve got a busy night ahead of me. Very, very busy. Hah-hah-hah-hah…

Click. Dial tone. Fade out.