Garbage Pail
A Candid Date With A Candidate
by Matt Sullivan
Meet Lance Blank, the Party Party nominee for President in 2000.
Lance Blank is a politician who isn’t afraid to take a stand on the issues. Take, for instance, People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” issue. “I’m not saying Harrison Ford isn’t sexy,” opines Blank, “but is he really alive?” Of course, most of Blank’s other “issues” have the pages stuck together, but don’t take our word for it – take Lance’s.
On “Monica-Gate”: When it comes to politics, I like to let my bumper stickers do the talking. Now, I don’t presently have a car, though if I did, it would surely be an American car, a Cadillac probably. And if I had that Caddy, it would have a bumper sticker on it, and that bumper sticker would spell out my opinion on the Lewinsky scandal. It’d say, “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For Princess Diana.”
On Flag-Burning: I’m adamantly against flag-burning. It’s just so… played-out. If you really want to symbolically show your dissent with the U.S. of A., kill a bald eagle. Do something with a little novelty.
On “Family Values”: The nuclear family has gone the way of Chernobyl… I’m sorry, my speech-writer hasn’t emailed me the rest yet.
On Technology: Indubitably, the wave of the future.
On The National Endowment For The Arts: Look, I’m a supporter of the arts. I even defended Andre Serrano’s “Piss Christ,” though I did think his follow-up piece, “Shit Christ,” was derivative, and the less said about “The Shroud of Urine,” the better.
On Roe Vs. Wade: I don’t row or wade, dude, I surf! Did you like that? That was my Jeff Spicoli. Seriously, though, like the great film-maker Woody Allen, I am for adoption, but only in cases of rape or incest. That was another joke. Truly, though, I have devised a solution that should please both pro-life and pro-death factions. I suggest that we adopt the abortions, like Cabbage Patch Clots or Beanie Fetuses. Don’t take off the umbilical cord! They’re worth more money if the cord’s still attached.
On Gays In The Military And Gay Marriage: Hey, if anyone wants to volunteer to get shot at and/or divorced, that’s their prerogative. Be my guest. War and marriage are two of this country’s most venerable institutions, even though I’ve spent much of my own time and energy avoiding them both.
On The Budget Deficit: Geez, let me pay off my student loans first! One thing at a time.
The Death Penalty: Not only am I a staunch advocate of the death penalty, as President, I will personally kill any and all prisoners on death row. When it comes to killing the killers, I’ve always thought that the term “justifiable homicide” was redundant.
“We Need Both The Left And Right Wings In Order To Truly Fly” – Lance Blank, the Party2 nominee for Prez in 2G.
On Election Day, Fill in the Blank.
