Ozz-fête – An “interview” with Ozzy Osbourne – Fiction

November 8, 2002

World famous music/fashion/theatre/ film critic Jean-Paul Bavard met with America’s favorite TV dad/heavy metal singer, Ozzy Osbourne, at a posh café in Hollywood. They discuss Ozzy’s hit MTV show, Ozzfest, his solo recording career and days with Black Sabbath, and the impending death that one day awaits us all.

Some Catnip from Burroughs’ Cat – Fiction

April 19, 2002

I just got the package… my cat is going fucking nuts! He’s just pushin’ it all around the apartment with his nose – Ming! Stop that! – what in hell…? I don’t know what you put in it, but thank you, and – Ming! Uh, I gotta go… I’ll call you back.

The Album of Le Nouveau Millennium – Fiction

February 22, 2002

I have seen the future of music, and it is exemplified by one album, an album of such greatness and utter transcendence that it encompasses all of our feelings, hopes, dreams and darkest fears, and it has a good beat, and you can dance to it.

Jean-Paul Bavard’s Tête a Radio-tête – Fiction

June 1, 2001

The tape, oddly labeled “New Unrel. Demos,” begins with approximately 30 seconds of intensely beautiful instrumental guitar-based rock music, followed by a loud clicking noise, and then the voice of Radiohead’s Thom Yorke, beginning in mid-sentence.

Jean-Paul Bavard – “Reviews” – Fiction

April 1, 2001

Along with such glamorous divas as the brilliant Sheena Twain and Lee Ann Busta Rhymes, country music supergroup Faith Hill has brought style, fashion and class to country hillbilly music.

CD Reviews par Jean-Paul Bavard – Fiction

September 1, 2000

Britney Spears – Oops, I Did It Again (10 out of 10): An artistic triumph that ranks alongside the great masterworks of 20th century art, such as Van Gogh’s “Starry Night,” Welles’ “Citizen Kane,” and Ritter’s “Three’s Company.”

Garbage Pail – The Right Stuff – Column

June 1, 2000

NASA is also looking into applications of the new drug in reducing the tedium of space travel for their astronauts. The turds appear to be nonaddictive and have no known side effects but, because of their mild psychoactive properties, will be available only by prescription.

Garbage Pail – Names Changed to Protect the Cheesy – Column

June 1, 2000

What’s in a name change? For celebrities that’ve spent years trying to build up name recognition, there’s usually two reasons: Symbolically separating yourself from an embarrassing but lucrative past, or trying to give yourself a veneer of “I’m an adult thespian now” class.

Garbage Pail – Coming Distractions – Column

June 1, 2000

Hollywood’s self-referential, postmodern meta-madness hits its logical nadir in this parody of the Naked Gun movies. Leslie Nielsen plays Leslie Nielsen playing Frank Drebin, and, upon seeing a stuffed beaver, quips “oh, so this is supposed to be the part where I make some sort of sexual innuendo.”

Garbage Pail – Fangs Through Tofu – Fiction

April 1, 2000

Vlados, 247, died Tuesday due to complications related to his refusal to drink blood. Perhaps the most shocking convert to veganism ever, Vlados was converted to the cause by a couple of Birkenstock-wearing potential victims who showed him some persuasive pamphlets.

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