Ozz-fête
Written by world famous critic By Jean-Paul Bavard
(Translated from the French by Daniel Davis)
Illustration by Ans
World famous music/fashion/theatre/ film critic Jean-Paul Bavard recently met with America’s favorite TV dad/heavy metal singer, Ozzy Osbourne, at a posh café in Hollywood. In this exclusive interview, they discuss Ozzy’s hit MTV show, the Ozzfest tour, Ozzy’s solo recording career, his days with Black Sabbath, and the impending death that one day awaits us all.
Jean-Paul Bavard: I am most pleased to be here today with the fabulous Ossy Osbourne, the famous former lead vocaliste of the legendary British Satan-worshipping and bat-head-biting-off 1970s drug death metal hard rock combo known as Black Oakarkansas.
Ozzy Osbourne: No, no, blimey mate, ya got it all wrong, we were Black Sabbath…
Jean-Paul Bavard: Ah, of course, everyone knows and loves the happy toetapping tunes of your supergroup, Back Stabbeth: Such incredible hit singles as “Smoke Under Water,” “Slow Ride,” and “I Love to Snort Coke Off Groupies’ Chests.” Not to mention such fabulous albums as Pair O’ Noise, Back Stabbeth Volume Four, and Sitting out the ’90s. Brilliant, brilliant work. Not to mention your award-winning solo career, where you once again found popularity by working with the legendary late guitarist Axl Rhoads, and then recorded the smash hit “Ebony and Ivory” with the late Michael Jackson. Speaking of dead people, so many of your peers and contemporaries – Rhoads, Jimi Hendrix, Eddie Vanhalen, Richard Nixon, Keith Moon, John Bonham – are now dead, yet you inexplicably live on. Do you have a solid alibi?
Ozzy Osbourne: Wha’? I’m not quite getting’ yer…
Jean-Paul Bavard: Fascinating. Now several British rock and roll writer/songsingers such as Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney, and Elton John have been awarded knighthoods recently. Do you feel that soon we will be addressing you as “Sir Ossy,” after you have been knighted by the Queen? Or will you perhaps instead be singing “To Sir With Love” after being reunited with Queen?
Ozzy Osbourne: Uh?
Jean-Paul Bavard: I see. What an interesting story. My assistant, Yves, informs me that you and your family are now the stars of a popular television programme. Surely, this would be la programme entitled America’s Most Wanted? Personally, I would not know, because I am much too intellectual to have ever watched a single second of television, other than the occasional documentary on public broadcasting, and, of course, Rosie O’Donnell every morning. I do not own a television, nor do I plan to. In fact, if I ever again see a television anywhere, I plan to smash it to bits with a sledgehammer, to prove to the world that I am an intellectual who is above such base pursuits as television.
Ozzy Osbourne: Well, it’d be fun to go to the mall wi’ you, mate! Smashin’ tellys, and such, eh?
Jean-Paul Bavard: I am also told that somehow, defying all logic, the decadent bourgeois have apparently made your show famous, and made stars of you, your wife Harriett, and your son and daughter, Little Ricky and Joan Osbourne. This is, of course, a fascinating commentary on contemporary popular culture, and its utter worthlessness. Surely you agree that your current iconic status is merely an ironic manifestation of the larger forces at work in this post-millennial, post-Septembre 11th, pre-early-mid-century society in which we live. Now how many times have you appeared on the Mike Douglas Show? I have always believed that true Superduperstardom can be measured by the number of appearances on that most quintessential of all televised chat/variety shows. The Mike Douglas Show is perhaps the key barometer of celebrity status in the world today. In fact, that reminds me of the time in the late 1970s when I summered on the Mediterranean, at a villa owned by Jamie Farr. Tout le monde was there, it seemed – poets, artists, stars of American situation comedies, dancers, fashion models, plumbers, designers, and members of the Securities and Exchange Commission. The weather was beastly hot, but the conversation was brilliant. I remember countless hours spent lounging on the beach, discussing the refried beans futures market with Bea Arthur, George Foreman, G. Gordon Liddy, and Sergio Valenti. It was a magical time: Days filled with sunshine, polo, sand flies, and games of nude charades in the parlor, and nights filled with passion, canned tuna fish sandwiches, romance, intrigue, and gin with Tab and no ice. Those heady days are gone now, perhaps forever, although some feel that they are merely hiding out at a used furniture store in Akron. Didn’t I see you in the nightclubs of Costa del Sol that summer? Or is that Art Buchwald I am thinking of?
Ozzy Osbourne: Wha’? I don’t know what you’re on about, mate, but I thought you wanted to talk about the show, or the album, or the tour…
Jean-Paul Bavard: Ah yes, your new album, entitled Cheap Trick Live at Budokan. And, of course, the wonderful and famous annual Ozzapalooza festival, this year featuring such marvelous heavy metal acts as Malaria, The Hippie Stompers, and Harry Chapin. Simply amazing. Speaking of your concert performances, I must compliment you on your appearance. You look simply fabulous, much better than two decades ago, when I attended a Back Stabbeth concert performance, and you appeared to be much, much shorter, and resembled a freakish, tiny howling dwarf.
Ozzy Osbourne: No, lad, ‘at wasn’t me, ‘at was Dio.
Jean-Paul Bavard: No, I am quite sure you are mistaken. But it makes no matter. As a world famous author and critic, I receive prestigious awards and constant acclaim and accolades, as well as the occasional critical remark from those who do not understand my work and its genius. The second-most common complaint about my work, ranking after “you do not write enough, we require more, more, always more,” is that perhaps on occasion my groundbreaking exclusive celebrity interviews would be perhaps slightly more informative to the uneducated masses if the interview subjects spoke their own views more often. While a dubious suggestion at best, I am nothing if not a magnanimous and generous conversationalist and a tremendous listener. Therefore, in the interests of helping the segments of my readership who are of lesser intelligence, I will, in a bold gesture, yield the floor at this time to the Beloved Mr. Ossy Osbourne to give his views, unguided by my skilled hand at the interview tiller. So, Monsieur, have at it! Speak your mind, unfiltered by any medium whatsoever, and without my expert guidance! Tell all the world what is on your mind! Speak now, or forever hold your peace! The world awaits your opinions, insight and views on the issues of the day! Tell us all what is on the mind of the great and brilliant superstar Ossy Osbourne! Let your words flow freely, unaltered in any way, shape or form, directly to the page and into the consciousness of the reader! The stage is yours, the spotlight is upon you! Speak now, and wait no more! The universe is waiting with its unmouthwashed breath baited. Speak! The time is now, and the world verily demands to hear your thoughts, feelings, opinions, and petty grievances. Monsieur, tell the universe what is on your mind, what is in your heart, what makes you tick, what your beef is, what you have to say.
Ozzy Osbourne: Well, mate, I dunno, lately I kinda been, oh, all (unintelligible) do ya know what I mean, lad? So then (unintelligible) all sorta stuff of tha’ nature, if you know what I mean. So anyway, (unintelligible) with Sabbath, there’s that one story nobody knows about, where we cut some (unintelligible) tracks out at (unintelligible) studio back in ’72 it musta been or maybe ’71, I’m not real good on the dates, if you know what I mean, but anyway, we found the tapes the other day and (unintelligible) decide to release them or not. Or even get back together and record some new material, maybe tour… (unintelligible) But anyways, the big news with the show on telly is that…
Jean-Paul Bavard: Fascinating, truly fascinating. I am afraid that that is all the time we have. Thank you so much for accepting my incredibly generous offer of a chance to speak your mind free and clear, unfiltered by the expert award-winning genius guidance of a journalist such as myself. Truly a fascinating experiment that may one day be tried again but perhaps should never be repeated under any circumstances whatsoever. Monsieur Genius Superstar Ossy Osbourne I thank you for your time and insight and for letting your career be brought out into the brilliant limelight that shines when one is interviewed by me. The world is truly a better place now than it was a mere 20 minutes ago, due to our brilliant work here today, and I am willing to concede that you had a small role to play in that. You should be very proud, Monsieur! Very proud indeed!
Ozzy Osbourne: Uh, okay, uh, I just wanted to say one thing, it’s kinda important, that…
Jean-Paul Bavard: Monsieur Ossie Osbourne, a true genius, a brilliant multimedia legend, a talent that literally knows no bounds, and few words, and virtually no state capitals or elements of the periodic table. Thank you once again!
