Videosyncrasy

American History Sex

by Matt Sullivan
Illustration by Michael Corcoran

Life’s A Pitch, and then You Die: The Jeffersons

SCENE ONE: Preparing for their move to the East Side, George and Weezie Jefferson are cleaning out their old apartment, when they discover some old paintings and papers which reveal that Thomas Jefferson is George’s ancestor.

Weezie: George, you never told me you had an Uncle Tom! They must’ve ran outta brown paint, cuz he looks white! And what’s with that hair weave?

George (frustrated): It’s not a weave, Weezie, it’s a powdered wig!!

Weezie: What is that – some sort of Jherri curl? (Raucous laughter)

Had to scrap that DNA stuff. Bor-ing. Instead, we’ll have the whole movie told in flashback as George and Weezie piece the whole “When Tommy Met Sally” story together, like Bridges Of Madison County. I’m telling you, Jerry, audiences are ready for another romantic quasi-historical epic, and I believe Love Slave is the next Titanic – but with a happy ending! (As far as the canned laughter in scene one, you tell me: What’s more disconcerting, raucous laughter in a big-screen romantic epic, or The Jeffersons without raucous laughter? I thought so.)

Picture it, Mel Gibson as Thomas Jefferson, Brandy as Sally Jennings. “Passion was their emancipation.”

Yes, I know it’s been made into a movie before, but that one starred Nick Nolte (pre-comeback), so it doesn’t really count. The time is right for Love Slave; it’s simultaneously costume drama historical and “ripped from the headlines.” With that Holocaust comedy doing wonderfully with the critics, the time is obviously right for some revisionist history at a theater near you. What’s next, Chernobyl: The Musical? That’s good, sort of a Cold War Swing Kids!

I know, that Desmond Pfeiffer slavery sitcom didn’t go over well at UPN, but does anything go over well at UPN? Their big mistake was making ugly Lincoln their salacious president. Set the show during the Jefferson administration, and it’s a smash!

As far as lining up top talent for this potentially controversial subject matter, I don’t think it’ll be a problem. The Crucible and Pocahontas have set valuable reel-life precedents for us as far as making a grown man’s dalliance with a young girl an OK (even noble, humanitarian) thing. (I think John Smith even gave the real Pocahontas syphilis, while his people raped her peoples’ land, no less.) At worst, we’ll have a Woody Allen situation – “I wouldn’t let him babysit/enslave my daughter, but I’d work with him in a second.” Or: “Yes, Allen/Jefferson is sort of a creepy sleazebag, but didn’t you just love Annie Hall/the Constitution?”

The soundtrack will be a double CD – on one disc. We’ll let James Horner do his neo-classical thing, on the other, we’ll let Puff Daddy do his hip-pop thang! Some of the tracks:

• A hip-hop cover of Diana Ross’s “Love Child,” by Lauryn Hill. “Love child, never meant to be/Love child, raised in slavery.” I’m crying already; it’s killin’ me softly, babe.
• “The Prez is Mine,” a sassy, “you better step-off, girl” duet between Brandy and Monica… Lewinsky!
• “Chained To Your Love,” the show-stopping power ballad. To avoid unsavory racializations of the “chain” metaphor, we’ll have Celine Dion belt this one out. As “divas” go, you can’t get more Aryan than Celine.
• “Movin’ On Up ’99” by Missy Elliot. Check the flow: “We’re movin’ on up (movin’ on up) to Monticello (movin’ on up)/cuz Sally got herself a rich, white fellow.”

I know what you’re thinking – even Oprah couldn’t put this one over. No worries – I’ve prepared a list of defenses for all of the protesters, picketers, and other volunteer publicists we’re bound to encounter. Example: “Love Slave shows a hip, post-O.J. acceptance of interracial romance.” Or pre-O.J. acceptance. Whatever. Also: My Mulatto Barbie dolls will be hitting shelves just in time for Christmas. Savvy, huh? Of course, that won’t be enough. It’s never enough; they’ll want us to paint the White House black, or put Martin Luther King on Mount Rushmore or Malcolm X on the other side of the nickel, or something. If the NAACP keeps it up, we’ll change defense strategies: at least we’re not the ones still calling African-Americans colored, right? What’s up with that? Not that I think we need to really worry – if William Jefferson Clinton can put up those approval ratings post-Lewinsky and even endear the public to him as he goes through the impeachment process, imagine how the public will sympathize with one of our Founding Fathers being forced to take a paternity test almost 200 years after his death! TJ oughta be home free – and we’ll finally get a piece of the pie (apple or cherry, your choice)!