Punky Brüster

Cooked on Phonics (HevyDevy)
by Scott Hefflon

Crazy Devy (Strapping Young Lad’s Devin Townsend, genius) is at it again, this time (re)releasing his punk parody called Cooked on Phonics which, as legend has it (or at least the bio) was released only in Japan. It was a smash, but so is glam to this day, so let’s put it all into perspective, huh? Century Media (home of SYL) released Punky Brüster‘s “Fake Punk” on one of their Identity comps, yet never released it for some reason. Probably because it wouldn’t’ve made shit for money. See, thing is, this sucker’s metal playing punk, making fun of both, and therefore the “serious” fans of each genre will hate this. So that leaves a few dozen other fans of each genre with a sense of humor who’re gonna think this fuckin’ rules. Devy started his own label (probably with the $$$ from being a top-notch producer, not with the royalties he gets from CM and his stints in Steve Via’s band and Frontline Assembly [Millennium, the metal record] with which he couldn’t buy a pack of gum) so he could release Punky Brüster and a few other projects the prolific nutcase comes up with. Better to not make shit with your own label than not make shit from someone else’s, right? Yeah, whatever.

So anyway, Cooked on Phonics is the hilarious story of a fictitious Cookie-Monster-voiced death metal band, Cryptic Coroner, and their realization that the real money is in punk. This woulda been a lot funnier had CM released it in ’95 when this was true… The story is narrated by a mouthfulla-spit narrator, and runs from breaking a string onstage, to firing and hiring a manager, to having a groupie run in terror after finding a metal poster on the bedroom wall, to winning a Grammy. There’re other great details in this make-over, but them’s the highlights. And here’s the thing: insight. Details like getting a “Boyz in the Hood wallet chain. Now I can be hardcore like everybody else.” Oh hell, it’d take me forever if I were to point out all the cool, semi-subtle shit in these songs. Let’s just say this is a record you should follow along with at home, kids. Read the lyrics, get a chuckle, rewind, get the timing down right, then impress all your friends by having memorized the whole record before they’ve even heard of it. You have it, you know it by heart, and you get it.

The bonus track is priceless and bound to show up on comps made for friends who don’t get out much: “Metal Heads are Punk Rockers” based on the Ramones’ “Sheena is a Punk Rocker.” Devin’s got a scream that, while quite metal, is fuckin’ great!
(PO Box 153 Maple Ridge, BC, V2X 7G1 Canada)