The Juliana Theory

Emotion is Dead (Tooth & Nail)
by Tim Den

Apparently, so is humility. Dressed to the nines and matched only by their flamboyantly melodramatic live struttings, The Juliana Theory contradicts themselves over and over again, not only with their songs but with their mission statement. “The common trends of overproduced pop sensations… choreography and plastic surgery are as big a part of modern music as the guitar,” says guitarist/vocalist Brett Detar. Well then, please explain the well-rehearsed head-tosses, well-groomed Vidal Sasson hairstyles, and DKNY black shirts. Oh, and don’t forget the ’80s power ballads. “Our new record is definitely produced, but we did everything on it.” Waitaminute… isn’t that the Steelheart/Kingofthehill argument? Read: fake posturing and button-pushing songs, whether written by the mediocre band themselves or by ghost writers, still suck. At least the shitty glam bands didn’t pretend they were doing something different and saving rock music along the way. From the stream-of-consciousness/million-lined liner notes, to the four-page modeling school band photos, to the unabashed cliches abundant on this record (I foresee Matchbox Twenty surrendering its throne and a future Barry Manilow developing), you’d think The Juliana Theory couldn’t miss the signs: that they themselves are exactly the manufactured stereotypical rockstars they claim to be so different from.
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