Singles Round-Up (Damaged Goods)
by Jon Sarre
Ho Hum. This could as well’ve been Liz Phair’s Singles Round-Up if Liz was a) from England, b) hung around with Billy Childish, c) didn’t have whatever it is that makes her do those stupid monologue songs she does, so mebbe it’s Mary Lou Lord’s Singles Round-Up, if Mary Lou didn’t have that fucking little girl voice. I dunno, I’ve heard all three of ’em at times (and seen two of ’em play out) and I figger Liz is the best of the bunch, but I dunno, I think that’s cuz I’m more sexually attracted to her voice and jeez I almost got in a fight with some college-age couple who were tryin’ to tell me rock’n’roll has more to offer than that and my friend Ally Cat, whose read more Foucault than I have (cuz I never read any of that stuff, ‘specially after some Foucault wannabe stole my girlfriend a few years back), tagged ’em as educated beyond any instinct and then Ally’s brother, Grady (who, like her, is from Montana and they can both skin a buck like us Eastern white trash can set a wino on fire) and I challenged the college kids to take it outside (which he gleefully reminded me of the next day) and made ’em at least fear we’d kill ’em, the boy, anyway, in the name of rock’n’roll, so I guess we won the “debate.” Anyhow, for that reason’n’more, Holly Golightly doesn’t really do it for me, tho’ she understands where she wants to go with the fuggin’ stuff, it’s just sorta like a big messa cold spaghetti. It was good when it was hot, but now it’s been sittin’ in the fridge for, like, twelve days, so I won’t eat it no matter how hungry I am.
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[Ed note: From a flurry of “clarifying” emails about this’n’the over-usage of contractions’n’shit, I has able to gather the following: “Holly Golightly usedta be in the Headcoatees, which was basically a fake band made up of the Headcoats’ girlfriends. None of them really played, so they’d just sing while the Headcoats played the instruments. I just happen to think she’s boring… okay?”]