by John Bikowski
illustrations by David Stepp and JKS
Hi ya… To celebrate April Fool’s Day, I wanted to see a seasonal flick. An obvious choice would be the obtrusively titled April Fool’s Day with Deborah Foreman. For the uniformed, this hearty piece of iguana shit in a celluloid package showcases several ho-hum murder scenes which turn out to be a joke. Har-de-friggin’-har… you got me!! For a far superior film to celebrate this holiday with, try the English flick titled Slaughter High.
Certain sequences are admittedly lame, but overall, the movie should win you over. In the film, a complete dork named Marty Rantzen is treated to a jolly April 1st by his fellow high school “elite.” Rantzen is hopelessly dong-teased by a hot bimbo into removing all of his clothes (after which the kids film his full frontal nudity). Next, he is electrically shocked, prodded in the heiny with a javelin, then dumped repeatedly head first into a toilet. Later, we find Marty in the Chemistry Lab mixing up some “2-4-6 Tri-Nitro-Tolurene” when he is cut short by a yak-attack brought on by the jocks’ tainted weed. While he is out, his experiment is sabotaged causing a flesh-melting explosion upon his timely return.
Cut to April 1st several years later. Rantzen has secretly organized a class reunion for the schmucks who done him wrong. The party kicks in with a poisoned beer chug which causes one guy’s intestines to slowly pop out of his tummy. A female onlooker is splattered by gore and, of course, must take a gratuitous nude bath to wash it all off. Unfortunately, the water turns to acid (nice trick) and broils her screaming, steaming naked carcass down to the bones. In the meantime, a young fellow is skewered by a pipe and another chick is drowned in a doody-tank. One hilarious scene has a horny couple skirting off for a quick bang on a strategically located bed. Amidst their folly, the girl begs for her partner to talk dirty. He answers eagerly with, “Uuuhhh… Tits! Uuuhhh… Screw! Uuuhhh… Shit!” Then, at the peak of passion, she reaches up for the bedframe and promptly electrocutes the hell out of both of them. Big time.
Another classic moment occurs when a friendly-type named Skip gets a hatchet buried in his face by our heroine (by accident, of course). Interestingly, the main chick is stabbed and killed with a javelin right in the same shower she began the film in. At this point, the movie becomes an LSD trip. The recently slain come back to torment the killer who really is in a mental ward stabbing the crap out of some doctor’s eye with a syringe. Understand? Of course not… check it out anyway.
If you are a fan of horror films, you may want to attend the next Fangoria’s Weekend of Horrors in New York City. I went this year in January with wife and friends and had a blast. For 15 bucks, you get a one day pass which includes everything – huge rooms full of dealers’ tables selling anything to do with movies, talks given by famous people, sneak preview screenings, costume contests, auctions, etc. As an added bonus, if you don’t mind bootleggers, you can pick up inexpensive copies of uncut, unreleased movies like Cannibal Holocaust or even Rob Lowe’s hotel-sex video (Wowee!). A highly recommended way to blow your day.
Wrapping things up, I have for you some up-and-coming attractions to look for. On video, check out Freaked by Alex Winter (Bill of Bill and Ted) for a real bizarre experience. Also look for Trauma by Dario Argento, which is a thriller about a psycho with a decapitating machine. In theaters, look for Wolf with Jack Nicholson and Anne Rice’s poignant tale Interview with a Vampire with pretty-boy Tom Cruise.
Finally, this month’s sickest scenes come from Lucio Fulci in Zombie. A woman tries to close a door on a ghoul (bad move) only to be grabbed by the hair through the smashed wood. The camera focuses on a large six inch razor sharp splinter upon which her eyeball is slowly skewered. Once the wood is taken to the hilt, it snaps off there. Ouch!