Coroner’s Corner – Column

Coroner’s Corner

by John Bikowski

Aaahhh… The season for love. The non-frozen birds are singing and sweethearts are exchanging gifts. So, let’s talk evisceration. Following are some short reviews of flicks that I feel exemplify this joyous season:

Pulp Fiction: A great film about relationships between a hit-man (Travolta) and a druggie, two would-be restaurant robbers, a crooked yet valiant boxer (Willis) and his foreign squeeze, and several others who are thrown into the twisted mix. Just when you think you can read what will happen next, something unexpected blows your thoughts out of the water. Though ultimately for people with jaded tastes like mine, Pulp Fiction is one of those rare finds that will captivate you for two hours and 45 minutes. Hilarious moments include a touching story about a watch being stuffed up various rectums and an accidental gun blast that splatters a friend’s head, thereby ruining the white upholstery of a car. Watch Travolta and his partner argue over who gets to clean the brains up. Also included in this “K-tel” collection of depravity is homosexual rape, a nasty drug overdose, shotgun castration, and a dissertation on European burgers. As one of my students eloquently put it, “If this flick was a person, it would beat the shit out of Forrest Gump.”

Unmasked Part 25: Have you ever wondered how hard it would be to land a date if you were an ugly, drowned homicidal maniac? Well, a crew from London came up with this minor gem that centers on the social life of one Camp Crystal Lake former resident. In Unmasked, the main deranged character is named Jackson (for copyright infringement purposes), but it will be clear to the viewers that we are talking about Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th flicks. It would seem that the only chicks who would go for Jackson would have to be stupendously ignorant and blind. Luckily, that’s what happens, and Jackson and woman, Shelly, embark on a touching, heated love affair. The only drawback to their relationship is the torment that Jackson feels over hiding his true profession – he is forced to wear his hockey mask when they go out in public. There are also several hilarious and gruesome moments tossed in with plenty of gratuitous nudity by people you would rather see fully clothed. Jackson’s girlfriend proves she knows some tricks also by encouraging him to play a role in several kinky S/M games. To hear Jackson complaining about being embarrassed in his Shakespearean actor-like voice is hilarious. Another funny scene shows Jackson in a bar talking to some would-be victims and autograph seekers. To round out the running time, there are a whole slew of gory murders including graphic face rippings, an ax to the gut, a cleaver to the skull and numerous knife-slashings.