Coroner’s Corner
by John Bikowski
This month, join me on a journey back to a time when movies plain old sucked and were proud of it. The older films from the ’60s and ’70s got away with much more trendy sex and violence than most of the celluloidal mucus that is churned out and edited (censored!) by the M.P.A.A. nowadays. Many recent pieces o’ crap from the horror genre seem obligated to retell tired themes with new annoying characters that blatantly pander to the retarded sensibilities of audiences today. Films like Pumpkinhead II and Night of the Demons II are made solely to rip off the unsuspecting viewer on the rental scene. You can just hear the director now… “This movie is really beginning to blow. Throw in the tit shot. Hmmm… I know! Have someone turn into a hideous rubber mask! That’ll scare ’em!” Can you understand why I must travel to films from an age where guts were fondled lovingly and gleaming viscera was the theme?
The feature film this month, The Wizard of Gore, is a forgotten gem that wallows in its ineptitude with a wide-eyed shit-eating grin. The basic premise is as follows: Montag the Magician performs a magic show in which he always does a show-stopping trick involving one of the female audience members. Soon after the show, whichever girl he chose is found dead by the method in the trick. For example, one bit has him punch press a girl’s tummy. The audience is hypnotized into believing that the girl is unharmed. However, in reality, Montag has slaughtered the chick and is literally fumbling around with her intestines. Inexplicably, the girl then leaves the show of her own accord, only to be found later with her insides churned out. When her husband finds her, he puts his hands to his head in shock, sinks to his knees and lets out a supremely feminine whine. This film is chock full o’ boisterous non-acting skills with everyone turning in award-losing performances. Leisure suits are in, sideburns are big enough to choke a horse, and butt-ugly is the only requirement for the cast. Throw in some ’60s type game show music and you have a gore classic! Topping things off is the absolutely hilarious performance of Montag himself. He pauses after every word and line which seems to be bellowed so that the deaf could feel the ground tremors. And not only does he hack people up, but he plays with the carcasses. One scene has him bloodily hammer a large spike into a girl’s skull. Montag then pulls out her brains before probing her obviously fake eyes out. You should check out this sick pup’s gun! The ending of this film will shock you right off your seat with its staggering stupidity. The video box touts scenes for which “no description is possible.” I tend to agree.
If you enjoy these types of films, check out the Video Wasteland, a rental company that specializes in rare, hard-to-find films. The proprietor, Ken Kish, is an honest guy looking to spread the joy that twisted films can bring. For a mouthwatering catalog with descriptions, write to: Video Wasteland; 214 Fair Street; Berea, OH 44017-1554. Tell him the Coroner sent you!
