Shrink-Wrapped Reality
by Lars Paul Linden
Steamrollers smoothed asphalt over George Washington’s grave and, with the whole country now paved, the amusement park had a grand re-opening.
The Pledge of Allegiance has been laminated in plastic for your wallet.
In the Land of Liberty, independence is free for the taking, just add bottled water. And, whatever you do, don’t crash your parent’s car into that foreign-made telephone pole. You might spill your beer.
In the Land of Liberty, no one is bored longer than it takes to light up and inhale the newly-legalized skunk-smelling Benjamin Franklin Hybrid.
Liberty is mindful entertainment. Open your account today! Step this way! Have your tickets ready.
Apple Pies of the World! Get Baked!
Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Learned To Grow Raw Money In My Backyard.
Tonight’s article was made possible by a generous grant funded by the Muller Money Tree Corporation. Makers of the Grow-Your-Own Movement!
You, too, can join the craze that has millions growing Muller Money Trees in the privacy of their own closets. Home kits are available by mail order. Have you counterfeited anything today?
Reality On a 7-Second Delay.
Our story tonight is a story about the individual who, despite underdog odds in Vegas, reins triumphant over big business.
In the years after the Revolution, the country that shrink-wrapped reality, there was a publicity-traded business known as Muller Money Corp.
Trading on the big board at 57 5/8, up 3/8, forecasted profits were projected to be up double percentage points, and, well let us just say that the accountants had big grins and were seen at auto dealerships.
In fact, so much money was being made selling those short, stubby, foul-smelly, money-sprouting shrubs, that the budget for a multi-million dollar public relations campaign was approved by the Board of Directors.
Muller Money Tree advertised during prime time news broadcasts that they would never again be caught dumping ink by-products into that now-dry river down by Martha’s Milk Farm and that, in fact, just yesterday, the company made a generous donation of twenty-five bucks to the local high school for field hockey uniforms.
Which all meant, that consumer watchdogs left the deck of the company yacht only long enough to freshen up their rye highballs. They never even had a chance of noticing that the Chairman’s son had been given a comfy job with daily shoe-shines and an office bigger than yours. He made money that was later spent. Amen.
All rise for the benediction.
Climb Aboard the Red, White, and Blue Spaceships.
But then, one day, deep in the heart of the hothouses of the Muller Money Tree Corporation, a forest of printing presses, presses which normally clanked and sputtered out sheet after sheet of grey-and-green Continental Congress-endorsed bank notes, ground to a halt. What was going on?
Could it be?
Yes, it was the Muller Money Tree picnic!
Customer Service roasted customer-shaped chicken wings over a red hot barbecue. Mail Order kicked around that package you never got last week. Human Resources got drunk, and, by dusk, had everyone sitting around the company campfire and singing the folk songs of the Original Thirteen.
The president made a soon-to-be-forgotten speech and started getting patriotic, passing out US-made cigarettes to all the youngsters.
“Yes, may these young all-American robots grow up to buy new and improved nonsense that the Muller Money Tree sales force can invoice at triple the amount it costs to manufacture!”
Clink. Clink. Clink.
“You know, Mr. President, with these short arms of mine, I’ve always had a hard time reaching for the toilet paper dispenser. And, while I’m complaining, Mom and Dad can’t keep the stuff stocked!”
“Let’s toast the company that will one day genetically manufacture long-armed babies who will grow up to reach the toilet paper, every single time, oh yes, let us toast a land where a person can get rich making sure that no one runs out of toilet paper even if the toilet is orbiting in a spaceship high above out heads!”
“God bless the portojohn on Mars!”
Clink. Clink. Clink.
Our Spokesbabe Makes the Pitch.
“Toilet paper problems? Get our team of experts to analyze your toilet paper needs. Liberty Virtual Toilet Paper, a division of Muller Money Tree, has developed sophisticated toilet paper stocking techniques, reflecting cutting-edge on-line freeze-dried frequent-flyer fiber optic re-engineered artificially-intelligent effervescent super-flushing patented technology. Your family can sit on the royal bowl and wipe with pride and confidence, knowing that they have the best triple-ply rolls available to mankind. Liberty Virtual, it feels great and contains 10 essential vitamins. Plus! For a limited time, enjoy Liberty Virtual Toilet-Paper-brand mufflers and shocks. Operators are standing by!
“We have to break for an infomercial. Up next, our guest will be a best-selling author whose new book about sex was written completely without words.”
Instant Super Hero! (Just Add Media Hype.)
“Arrested by the police yesterday, our guest was March’s Burgerland Employee-of-the-Month, and has been formally charged with introducing the new McHuman™, fulfilling the needs of the fast-food 18 to 34-year old cannibal niche. Please, give a warm welcome to George, who is here in our studios out on bail. Good evening George, and thanks for the sandwich.”
“Your welcome.”
“Hmm, this tastes funny.”
“That’s the new McHuman.”
“Is that a tattoo of Nixon on that patty?”
“One of four superstar varieties.”
“I think that I’m going to be sick.”
“You’re in luck. Burgerland has a toll free number that can take over 219 calls per minute without having anyone wait on hold longer than 35 minutes.”
“Why are you taking off your clothes?”
“Just changing into my super hero costume. Why do you ask?”
