A Few of my Favorite Things

Ways to Stay Needlessly Angry and Have the Energy to Make It Through Another Day

by Scott Hefflon

1. Notice the world is still here, despite all my efforts.

2. While some poke pins into their leg beneath the desk, we have no pins and I’ve already done that Exacto blade thing. I prefer uncomfortable chairs that have springs sticking into my flesh. That and itchy clothing. As long as you don’t squirm like a sissy, or scratch excessively (people will think I have crabs. Again), and can maintain the desired I-am-in-pain-at-all-times look.

3. Have a sneer surgically implanted on my face. Preferably a lopsided, poorly executed sneer so I can be angry about looking angry.

4. Train myself to rolls my eyes after everything everybody says as if to say “That is so obvious. I can’t believe God bothered to give you a tongue for any purpose other than to torment me. Die, die, die!” This will not only make people hate me, thus making me angry, it may actually stop most “humans” from speaking to me, a desirable affect. If nothing else, it’s bound to give me headaches and make me sick to your stomach, so I can be angry about that.