Liquor Lecture
by Lex Marburger
illustration by Chris Sherman
It has come to the attention of Lollipop that many of our readers enjoy imbibing an alcoholic liquid every now and again (and again …). In public interest, we offer a Lollipop guide to Liquor. Please note: We are trained professionals and the “experiments” that follow were not attempted by “casual” or “social” drinkers. Lollipop assumes no responsibility for the actions of any drunk person, including it’s own staff. And ask Mom first, okay?
Rum
As I write this, the world is collapsing around me. My skull casing is too small for my brain. This lecture might be a little scattered. Yeah, rum is sweet. I guess it’s all the molasses. Either way, this hangover is one of the biggies. Huh? What? Oh, yeah, it was Gosling’s. Uh huh, the expensive stuff. Yeah, I know, rum in the summer, especially dark rum, is not the best thing. As Sheril Stanford said, it warms you up. I don’t know if it’s mental or actually physical, but I was sweating after the first shot. Hmmm? Oh, maybe I shouldn’t have been doing straight shots of black rum. It should be mixed with something, I guess. But Captain Morgans is the standard drink around here, and its always done me right. Well, true, only after a period of assimilation. Damn, when are these Advil gonna kick in? Shouldn’t have bought the generic brand. Y’know, after a few shots, I was feeling really emotional. I guess it’s true what my friend Charlie Bailey used to say, rum is a very emotional drink. By the way, what ever happened to him? He just sort of split without saying goodbye. Anyway, I just sort of started spilling my heart out to whoever was sitting across from me. Good thing he was as drunk as I was, or I could be in some serious shit. Anyway, this all reminds me of the first time I got seriously drunk. It was a time when I was just a kid (sorry Mom and Dad, it’s time you finally knew), an age when I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I got home from school, no one was around, I got a liter jug from the cupboard, and filled it up half with orange juice, half with Myers Dark. I proceeded to drink it. All of it. Oops. I vaguely remember throwing up in the toilet, and then passing out on my bed. The next thing I knew, my mom was waking me up for dinner. I’m not sure they knew what had happened – they didn’t say anything – but I guess they’ll know now. I wonder; am I too old to be grounded?
I’ve never really gotten into the Bacardi 151, it’s always tasted to much like gasoline, even when watered down by watered-down Coke. It loses it’s mellow warmth, becomes too abrasive. And because the dark stuff is too expensive for common consumption, we here at Lollipop have made The Captain the preferred drink of choice. Straight, or with Dr. Pepper (don’t knock it ’til you try it), it has just the right amount of sweetness and tongue-tingle that’s perfect for constant repetition. Mr. Morgans has accompanied us in so many important decisions: When we decided to have a glossy cover, when we decided to go national, when we decided to strip down to our underwear and play “Solid Gold” on top of our desks. Arguments, laughter, crawling on hands and knees. Oh, rum can be so enjoyable. But wait! You think that’s all there is to rum… oh, no.
There’s Malibu, the (shudder) coconut rum, and, wonder of wonders, The Elusive And Always In Demand, Mekong Whiskey Thai Rum! Okay, go with me on this one – the way I’ve been told, in Thailand, they make this rum that is damn near an opiate. In the States, they have to cut it down (of course), but the stuff is still killer. I’ve only found it by scouring stores in Chinatown (be careful when you go. The eviscerated pigs and chickens in the windows next door are not for the faint of heart). This stuff has a terrible smell, but the taste is like ambrosia, and the drunk you get off it, Whooo! It’s an Alice-In-Wonderland-happy-all-the-time-let’s-all-kiss-our-neighbors-and-sing-in-harmony-sort-of-like-the-Jägermeister-of-rums (courtesy Scott Hefflon) feeling. Highly recommended.
That’s all for this month. Next time, the scourge of all boozes, GIN!
Send in your horror stories or wondrous adventures of the featured liquor (i.e. Gin) to Lollipop and we’ll try to include them in the lectures to follow. Now go out there and do a shot or ten for someone you love! And remember: Drink wisely – know what you’re drinking too much of.
