Vote For Clinton. He Is Not A Dick
by Kerry Joyce
illustrations by David Coscia
Like something out of an Ed Wood movie, Bob “The Clinta-balmer” Dole pulls one foot out of the grave each morning pretending to himself all the while that he’s running for President of the United States.
Meanwhile, Dole’s staff plays along, like a nuclear family listening to the death bed delerium of a loving Grand Pa who talks endlessly about how he can’t wait to go ice fishing next winter. The candidate keeps saying that pretty soon we’re “going to see the real Bob Dole,” no word yet on whether this is a threat or a promise.
Hey, Republican leadership, just because the liberal media is out to get you doesn’t mean you’re not the sorriest collection of the undead since Dark Shadows, the movie.
Is it the liberal media’s fault that your best and brightest would rather excercise power in the private sector, the new fashioned way, through corporate downsizing, than by running for office and then handing out patronage jobs to their buddies? Or that the average Republican office seeker exudes about as much joi de vive as your typical funeral home director?
Sure, both Clinton and Dole are as lacking in core beliefs as a bowl of waffle batter, but I’d rather go with batter that’s fresh and flame-tested than with an untried clump of cold dough that’s starting to turn a little green around the edges.
The only hope the Republicans have of electing this stiff is with an outside shot, hanging the “character issue” around one of Clinton’s extremities.
Dole himself, who cried at Nixon’s funeral, recently compared the Clinton Administration’s retrieval of FBI files of top ranked Republicans with the bygone days of Nixon’s enemy lists. This was the first time that Boo-Hoo Bob had ever expressed, even indirectly, any specifc criticism of Nixon’s activities. In fact, he was one of Nixon’s most loyal minions right up to the bitter end.
Clinton has been dogged by scandal, and if he was actually as bad as Nixon, even I would vote for a stiff like Dole. But he’s not. Forthwith a comparison:
Experience The Nixon Difference
1. Clinton: Accused of wrongdoing before he was president.
Nixon: Accused of wrongdoing while he was president.
2. Nixon: Never ended our country’s involvement in the Viet Nam war, like he said he would.
Clinton: Never began his personal involvment in the Viet Nam war, like he said he would.
3. Clinton: Couldn’t keep his zipper up.
Nixon: Couldn’t get his zipper down.
4. Nixon: Bugged Democratic National Committee Headquarters and even his own office.
Clinton: Sometimes tunes in to Rush Limbaugh.
5. Nixon: Secretly bombed Cambodia.
Clinton: Not so secretly bombed his first two years in office.
6. Clinton: Loyal aide committed suicide.
Nixon: Disloyal aides didn’t.
7. Clinton: Retrieved government files of high ranking Republicans.
Nixon: Made government files on reporters, entertainers, and grass root political activists.
8. Clinton: Smoked an “evil weed,” said he didn’t inhale.
Nixon: Fucked his “enemies,” said he didn’t get off.
9. Nixon: Burglarized the office of Daniel Ellsburg’s psychiatritst.
Clinton: Tried to look down Carly Simon’s blouse.
10. Clinton: Begs Our Pardon
Nixon: Didn’t beg our pardon, got one anyway.
11. Clinton: Feels our pain.
Nixon: Was our pain.
