Spontaneous Human Combustion
by Citizen John
illustration by John Tescher
“He Was Just Here A Minute Ago…” and other reasons people don’t invite me to weddings
I woke this morning to find that I wasn’t dead, which, if you’re keeping score, is not a bad way to start your day. However, some people are not so lucky; for them, I’ll give the tell-tale signs of deadness: #1) Stiffness of Limbs, #2) Rigor Mortis, #3) Occasional Drowsiness.” (Source: John Landis, Kentucky Fried University. Special thanks to Palgeris, noted Greek philosopher who talked a lot but never said much.) If, in fact, you suffer from these symptoms, please consult an expert about joining a support group for the recently deceased.
Okay, what I’m talking about here is Spontaneous Human Combustion; death by internal time bomb. That anyone functioning at a seemingly normal level can, at any given moment, be reduced to what is otherwise known as schmutz, is the coolest damn thing I’ve heard of since the last time I read the Weekly World News. This phenomenon not only happens on shows like The X-Files, which is, as you know, based on reality, but is a known fact. I’d give you the names of noted scientists and physicians, except that I don’t happen to know any. Just accept the fact that you could be next. The one possibility that could explain this rare occurrence is this really neat thing called cold fission. (NOTE: Cold fission is not to be confused with another unusual occurrence in nature known as “ice fission,” an activity based solely on the sport of waiting; one waits for ice to form, then waits for two or three morons to drive their cars onto this ice and not die, and finally, wait for other genetically-impaired folks like yourself to ask, “Any luck yet?”. All while avoiding the risk of being beaned by a free-roaming hockey puck.)
Think of the possibilities: People at random intervals exploding for no particular reason! Friends, relatives, substitute gym teachers, and Wayne Newton all fall into the high-risk group of being human (though some barely made the regional semis). This world is a wonderful place to find such extraordinary phenomena that could cause you to suddenly evaporate.
Though this highly inventive way to go is so rare and unpredictable, due to the lack of volunteers, it should be studied. Think of the potential of phrases such as “going out with a bang”; “burst out laughing”; “I’m so mad I could just …”; “OH, SHIT! HE DID!” There is, however, one such group of renowned experts (consisting primarily of me) currently seeking volunteers to either donate large sums of money or to sit there and explode while I take notes. This may offer a possible explanation into the disappearances of such notable figures such as Amelia Earhart, Jimmy Hoffa, the Lindbergh baby, the entire population of Guam (always wondered why they never wrote back), and the other guy from Hall and Oates.
