Coroner’s Corner
by John Bikowski
illustration by Eric Johnson
Yet another frigid January day was spent in Manhattan at the Fangoria Weekend of Horrors. My main reason for going was to meet Jason Voorhees’ mother (Betsy Palmer) who was so rudely decapitated in the finale of Friday the 13th Part I. In person, she was very friendly and very honest when discussing the classic film. She smiled that giant-toothed grin and said, “When I finally saw the completed film, I thought it was (thoughtful pause)… a giant piece of shit.” To round things out, many Scream Queens were present selling naked pictures of themselves to minors. That’s good. Breasts were hanging out as if to say, I dare you to not to look at us. G’wan… I dare you!
Movie Review: I usually hate films that are too derivative of prior successes, but I will still admit being entertained by The Relic. The film seems to have borrowed heavily from Alien‘s “lock us up with some pissed off ape-shit monster and then rip the living life out of us” theme. Regardless, I sometimes enjoyed the claustrophobic feel of the Natural History Museum and the righteous bursts of the red stuff. Bodies are graphically shown being torn asunder by a giant mutation that is part human, part bug, part dog, etc. One aspect I found cool was the fact that on one side of the door, life was normal for the rest of Chicago’s citizens, while on the inside people were being hunted and eviscerated by Hell’s drooling mascot. Another scene I found intense is when a few of the survivors are wading in 5- feet-deep flooded tunnels. They are huddled together when all of a sudden, the guy in the back gets pulled under water and instantaneously slaughtered by decapitation. Everyone else is like, “Oh crap, we’re dead!” Underwater killers are freaky – you never know what is screaming towards your flesh or when it will arrive. Worth a look or two at the cheap theater or at a matinee.
The most inane movie I have seen so far this year is Godzilla’s Revenge. You have to realize that sometimes a decent Japanese film seems ridiculous to us because of the retards who dub it. However, this film had to be a turd in any language. Get this… A ten year old Japanese boy, whose lines sound like like they were dubbed by a middle-aged woman (straining to pass a peach pit), gets beaten up by a bully and goes to Monster Island where there are… well… monsters. One of them looks like Godzilla with the head of a cat (yikes!!!) and of course, Godzilla is there to kick some tail. But the crowning moments are due to the appearances of Minya (Baby Godzilla) who looks completely idiotic and talks! Yes, he sounds exactly like Barney. Watching this film will revitalize your entire existence. You may find yourself screwing up with your friends, your family or your employers, but don’t worry. All you need to do is picture Baby Godzilla and you will realize that nothing you did or ever will do is as stupid as he is. It works for me every day.
